Affair Help

Dear Maple. My husband and I have been married for 25 years. He was married when I met him and soon divorced. I really have never been jealous ever and I don't think what I am feeling now is jealousy. I am angry ! I drove his vehicle today and I was getting in the console to get an aspirin and saw a package of what I thought was mayonnaise (single serve) and I thought what the heck is he doing with mayo in here. I went to get it out to see if it was old and crunchy and it was a condom! I had a hysterectomy 17 years ago! This peaked my curiosity and I found a viagra in the toothpick container! Yes he has ED. Do I confront him or just beat the crap out of him? Bev.

A. I really feel for you Bev but I have to tell you that being extremely mad or angry never works in any situation. I know that's how you feel but you will have to vent out your feelings firstly before you talk to your husband. You can vent out your feelings by talking about them to a support group, a close friend, or by exercising, throwing rocks in the stream and also by journalizing. Make sure they are a trustworthy friend. We have support groups here on the internet.

One should never get mad or beat the crap out of them if you want to work your marital problems out.

There is a tactic we call "problemize" to use - this is where you make comments about the problem(s) you see. Ensure you use words, tone of voice and body language that convey acceptance, concern and lack a tone of judgment, condemnation or a sense of superiority. For example "why do you think you want another woman?" This leaves the door open to talk and explore. The next question is can you work out these problems as quickly as possible? Time is always of the essence in start of an "affair". The longer you wait to approach the issue gives the other person time to steal your man away.

If it is a unique, singular incident followed by earnest remorse, I believe that the relationship warrants the necessary forgiveness in order to save the marriage.You know many times the spouse isn't aware of your exact feelings - make them aware that saying I'm sorry isn't enough. They need to have true empathy - have a read on communicating with empathy.

Of course, if trust has been severely damaged it may take a long time before "working late" can again be believed. Both spouses in the marriage must realize that only time will heal the breach that has been made. Its all about what you do with the time you have together. Please read Building Trust. The purpose of truth-telling is to put the issues out on the table where they can be dealt with. It means coming clean - out with the entire truth right away no delays—not just exposing each other, but admitting one's own current feelings and attitudes. The sooner one comes clean the better as then you can start to heal. If they don't tell it all you are left pondering, wondering all the time which only stretches out your healing time. Let me know how it goes. Couples find that if they can get through the rough spots, they might not only survive an affair but eventually arrive at a new level of communication and understanding.

Also if you can get them to go to counseling both you and your spouse will feel better. If he doesn't want to go, you go - you will feel much better about yourself.

Best Wishes, AskMaple

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Q. My spouse is involved in an extramarital affair since mid September 2004. I don't want a divorce and I'm not sure he does, but he seems not to be able to face what he did and will not talk to me at all. I am trying to move on with my life (with our 2 children, ages 7 and 10) but I can't stop wondering because I never had a chance to try to rebuild the marriage - he just walked away. How can my husband not understand how I feel - I have tried talking to him but he says nothing - Is he still in denial? The holidays are really hard. We did always live separate lives but it worked for us and I thought the problem was the kids I did not know it was me I thought he chose to do all his own things because he couldn't handle the kids - we did have the so called child centered marriage. Is there any hope for us. We go to trial on April 12th and the divorce will be final - he would not settle out of court even though he does not have any grounds for divorce - we live in New York state. How do I get him to open up - he is holding everything inside and he does not even talk to the other woman - he works with her - is she just as needy as him? Why can't she leave him alone for him to make his own decision - his family or her? He says - she's just a friend. Laura

A. Laura; why did you wait for 2 years? As soon as you discover your spouse is involved in an affair put a stop to the involvement. The longer the affair goes on the harder it is to break them off. Granting them time to see gives the other person more emotional involvement with your spouse. Indeed your husband is stonewalling communication and problem-solving in your marriage. Many times the ineffective patterns of communication that your family are experiencing no doubt have their roots in his respective childhood. Walking away doesn't resolve anything. Who in his family taught him that "silent treatment" is an answer to conflict, or that changing the subject will distract from negotiating marital problems? We learn most of what we know by imprinting on the patterns with which we were raised. The overriding danger was that without a change in your ability to connect and communicate with one another, the two of you were vulnerable to using the affair as a continued object of distancing. Once you loose your close connectedness, you risk it all. Both partners then start to distance and build a wall between each other. Your husband needs to consider developing the needed skills to have discussions which lead to empathy and eventually successful negotiation. Tell him you feel angry, frustrated, irritated, hopeless, as if you are unwilling to communicate with me, as if I am supposed to read your mind. Also I want you to tell him communicate with you and help you to understand what has gone wrong.

Some affairs have been referred to as "exit" affairs—the method one spouse uses to force the other into divorce. Let him know that you are learning too. It takes both of you to make a marriage work. It takes only one to file for divorce. Chances are he will carry his communication skills into the next relationship.

The effects of affairs can be devastating and there are no fast and easy fixes to repair the damage. However, if both partners are motivated, then patience, honesty and the skills of a professional can help the couple explore whether it is possible to reconstruct and salvage the once existed relationship. If you try and you still are not able to make the marriage succeed, at least you will understand more about yourself and your marriage. Take care of you.

Best regards, AskMaple

Q. Please help, I have been married for 16 years. I found out that he had an affair with a younger woman, but that's not the worst, he has two kids by her. Don't ask me why but I chose to stay for OUR family, at least that's what I told myself. I keep seeing signs that he is still seeing her and I don't know if it is for the kids or her. I feel like such a loser yet I continue to stay, what is wrong with me? How did I get so weak? Starla, age 40

A. It's a difficult and traumatic situation to be in: you're married to a spouse who is cheating. You are trapped. You may feel trapped by economics or other circumstances but you do have choices as to how you deal with your current situation. Many times we follow our parents examples in staying in a marriage that isn't working out. Does this seem familiar to you? The point now is you are still young. Get yourself together and make a life for yourself. Stand up for yourself and what you deserve. Being afraid is no excuse for staying in an unhappy, hopeless marriage with a man you don't trust or respect. Staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your children won't be doing them any great favors. They'll learn that it's okay to be untrue to yourself and others. They'll also be deprived of the real you - the happy, nurturing person you could be if you weren't so busy being miserable. Have you asked him what he intends to do? Better yet, what do you intend to do with your life?
This situation seems to have gone from bad to worse, and you can't fix the marriage or make it healthy for you by yourself. Your husband has to want to work on your relationship, and unfortunately it sounds as if all he is interested in is acting out destructively -- and hurting you. Let him know you are going for help and suggest that he do so as well. If both are not willing to make the changes and commitment necessary, it is essential to seek individual counseling and to not attempt this part of the journey alone. Sorting it all out yourself in a state of emotional vulnerability often results in unnecessary mistakes that only complicate an already painful journey.
Don't waste precious time if the marriage can't advance. Face the truth and build a life of your own. Sure you can still love and be with your children, but ask yourself: What kind of a marriage is this really? Now you understand your choices. You can continue in your existing role or you can do what it takes to change your life for the better.

Best wishes, AskMaple