Affair Proof Your Marriage

Affairs never solve the problems that lead to them. You can't control your partner's behavior, but you don't have to set yourself up to get hurt either. Making sure you're attentive, involved and tuned in to your marriage will help prevent infidelity.

If You Are Having Problems:

Turn toward your partner — not away. You absolutely cannot fix a problem inside a relationship by turning outward. All that does is create problems.

Don't play games in your head. It is a short step from thought to action.

Don't confuse reality with fantasy. We often forget that there's a difference between falling in love and being in love. You can't expect a love that grows to be like it was on the first date.

If you want to have a good partner, be a good partner. Put 100 percent into your marriage.

Is your marriage in a rut? "Bored people are boring". Find a passion, get energized, find some time together to rediscover the love and commitment you have for one another.

Work on your marriage every single day — not just during the bad times. Wake up each day and ask yourself, "What can I do today that will make my marriage better."

Make a plan together to renegotiate your relationship. If you've gotten off track, it's never too late to get back to a better place. Marriage works only when each spouse takes the time to consider the other's needs and strives to meet them.

Take care of yourself. Eat healthy, exercise and look your best. Feeling good about yourself will radiate and your spouse will notice.

Formula For Success:

1. Your relationship must be based on a solid, underlying friendship. Friends talk, laugh, share, and do things they're interested in together. Don't stop being friends just because you're each other's spouse.

2. Your relationship has to meet the needs of the two people involved. Understand what your partner's needs are so you can meet them. Figure out what your own needs are and communicate them. If your needs are not being met, communicate and negotiate. Don't let resentment build.

Positive steps you can take:

1. Take responsibility. "You didn't screw up because of something he did; you screwed up because you screwed up," says Sharyn Wolf, author of How to Stay Lovers for Life: Discover a Marriage Counselor's Tricks of the Trade . Address overarching relationship issues separately, later.

2. Offer a sense of security. "Give him what he needs to feel safe," says Wolf. If he wants you to cut off contact with the interloper, or come straight home from work for now, you must say yes.

3. Be patient. He may be cool one day, furious the next. "The perpetrator has to become the healer".

The temptation to stray may be only a matter of distraction by work or children, and inattention to each other. When you confront the issue, "The honesty and commitment you once just assumed were there are now affirmed openly". It's a painful -- but worthwhile -- process, she says: "Sometimes you don't realize what you have till you almost lose it."

Seven Steps to Prevent Infidelity and Affairs

1. Maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows open at home. Put up privacy walls with others who could threaten your marriage.

2. Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don't lunch alone or take coffee breaks with the same person all the time. When you travel with a co-worker, meet in public rooms, not in a room with a bed.
3. Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.
4. Protect your marriage by discussing relationship issues at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure that person is a friend of the marriage. If the friend disparages marriage, respond with something positive about your own relationship.
5. Keep old flames from reigniting. If a former lover is coming to the class reunion, invite your partner to come along. If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch with an old flame.
6. Don't go over the line when you're on-line with Internet friends. Discuss your online friendships with your partner and show him/her your e-mail if he/she is interested. Invite your partner to join in your correspondence so your Internet friend won't get any wrong ideas. Don't exchange sexual fantasies online.
7. Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don't believe in fooling around.

The above is an excerpt from:
Not "Just Friends" : Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal