Signs of a Lying Spouse

Signs of a Liar
Dear Maple:

I think my husband and a friend are messing around. I saw them very close to one another and when I approached she was trying to get away as quick as possible. My husband says nothing was happening, but I'm not buying that. We have been friends with her and her husband for a while. Should I tell him about the incident or not?

A. Usually one's gut instincts tend to be correct. Most people would rather not listen to that inner voice because they refuse to believe that their partner would deceive them in any way. The majority of affairs are never detected. Some individuals can successfully compartmentalize their lives or are such brilliant liars that their partners nevers find out.

Body language and their behavior also tells us a lot. Collect your evidence firstly. Do not accuse your spouse of cheating until you have enough evidence to prove it and you're ready to take action. Given time a lot of affairs will be revealed so don't get caught. Read the signs of infidelity and wait. If you can recognize the signs early enough you will be able to nip it in the bud. If you are suspicious, I would keep my distance from their friendship for now until you are sure. Keep him away from her and her husband. Don't procastinate - investigate! Find out before it is too late.

When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal
by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier

Have you ever been lied to by a lover? In this straightforward and supportive book, therapist Susan Forward profiles the wide variety of liars, shows you how to deal with the lies -- from the benign to the lethal -- that these men spin, and gives practical strategies to stop them before they ruin your relationship and, ultimately, your life.

Forward has written several self-help classics about lousy, damaging relationships (Emotional Blackmail; Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them). Once again, she combines gentle empathy with no-nonsense advice as she examines men who lie to women and what women can do about it. Her goal, she writes, addressing women who have been lied to, is to "transform the wounds of betrayal and deception into the wisdom that will illuminate your path." From sexual infidelity to financial disaster, hidden addictions to secret ex-wives, Forward focuses on the serious lies that "involve an intent to deceive" and always "harm us and our relationships." She explains men's various motives, beliefs and behavior patterns, as well as women's frequent denial, "collusion" and acceptance of blame. Forward clearly describes the kind of liar she calls "the sociopath" and sternly warns women to steer clear of the beast and, if already involved with one, to "leave immediately." She then moves on to specific steps for confronting the (non-sociopathic) liar with the reality of his behavior and advises women how to set conditions for continuing the relationship and how to get support from friends, family and professional counselors. Buttressing her advice with examples from her practice, Forward offers some straight talk to women who may have forgotten what candor sounds like.

Once you find out the truth about your lover and his lies, what do you do? Forward offers practical, proven, step-by-step methods for healing the wounds caused by his deception and betrayal. She provides all the communication and behavioral techniques you need to deal with a lover's lies, telling you exactly what to say, when and how to respond to his reactions, and how to present your requirements for staying in the relationship. With understanding and compassion, she helps you decide whether your relationship can be saved and shows you how to move beyond doubt and regret if you feel that it can't. But whether you stay or go, you can learn to love and trust again.

When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal