| Tips
for Talking
Marriage Communication by Dr. Gunzberg It
may be that the most important skill you can learn to save your
marriage is
communication. Of course everyone has heard that
you have to talk with your
spouse to make your marriage work.
That's true. But what I am talking about
here is deeper than that.
Let me explain. There
are many different forms of communication in a marriage.
Some of them are verbal.
Some of them are nonverbal. Some
examples of verbal communication include joking with
one another, talking about
unimportant things in your life, sending
one another emails or notes, leaving
phone messages for your
spouse, or talking about your daily chores like who
is going to
pick up the kids, who is going to cook dinner,
and what time
each of you will be home from work. On
the other hand, some examples of nonverbal communication
include touch, demonstrating
priority for your spouse, your behavior
during sex, meaningful looks, and your
physical appearance. Each
of these forms of communication is important in its own right.
However, what
I want to focus on in this article is a form of communication that
is related
to each of these, but distinct in several ways. I want to talk about
connecting
with your spouse in an intimate way by talking and developing
a deeper understanding
of each other. Most
couples spend at least some portion of their time engaged in the
examples of
communication mentioned above. You probably talk with your
spouse at least
some of the time about the chores you need to take care of. It's
also likely
that you spend some time doing things like sending meaningful
looks to your
spouse (keeping in mind that the "meaning" might be good
or bad). But
how much time do the two of you spend engaged in intimate
conversations that
help you connect on a deeper emotional level?
How much time do you spend trying
to understand new things
about your spouse and helping him understand new things
about
you? If you're
reading this article, my bet is that you might be having a hard time
connecting
with your spouse in this intimate way. The
problem is that when you aren't engaged in intimate conversations
with your
spouse on a somewhat regular basis, you risk losing
your emotional closeness.
This loss can occur so subtly that
you will barely notice the loss until it
threatens the relationship
you once had. Prevent
that process from happening in your relationship. Renew
your intimate communication,
or begin if you think it has
always been missing in your relationship. You
will be investing
in the long-term future of your marriage. Mutual
sharing of your hopes, thoughts, feelings, and history
encourage safety, respect,
and understanding to grow. What's
more, the sharing ties the two of you together emotionally,
reinforcing your
love. So how do you share if it has not been part
of your relationship? How
do you have intimate conversations,
particularly if you have been recently
struggling in your
relationship? I
hope you find the following three tips a helpful start. If you want
more information
and instruction, you will find more comprehensive
coverage and exercises in
my books: Saving Your Marriage and
Surviving an Affair. Tip
#1: Be Your Best, Most Adult Self To
have intimate conversations with your spouse and allow him or her
to truly
open up and share with you, you have to be your best, most adult
self. Now,
what do I mean by that? First,
if you are in the midst of a marital crisis, manage your painful
feelings so
you can have a conversation. For some of you this may be
difficult, and for
others it may be currently impossible
I do not mean for you to be an automaton
with no feelings, just to
maintain your feelings within limits. In
the first weeks after finding out about an affair, for example, it might
be
difficult to put aside your emotions so you can have meaningful
discussions
with your spouse. If this is your situation, it is an understandable
predicament.
Nonetheless, communication is still important. If
you haven't been through something as traumatic as an affair,
you might manage
your feelings enough to begin rational communication
now, even if it is difficult. Secondly,
reign in your defensiveness. When your spouse tells you
how he or she feels
about something you've done, remind yourself
that the criticism doesn't define
you as a person and that there
is important information being communicated.
You might not
like the information, but it is important for you to understand
what
is being communicated. You
may want to find out which parts of what your spouse is sharing is
correct,
but keep in mind that conversations of this nature are not a contest
for who
has the correct version. Try and understand where your spouse
is coming from,
even if it doesn't match you own perception
of the situation. Third,
don't accuse your spouse of anything. Accusations usually only
cause people
to close up and become defensive. If you want to keep
the flow of the conversation
moving, drop the accusations. Instead,
speak from your personal experience about your own feelings.
Keep the focus
on what's going on for you, instead of blaming
your spouse. Finally,
remember to deliver information in small packages. Part
of being an adult is
keeping in mind that we all have limitations and we can
only process so much
information at one time (especially when that information
is emotionally loaded). If
you bombard your spouse with too much information at once, he or she
will probably
only remember the latter part of what you said. Instead,
keep the conversation focused on one topic and manage
small bits of information
at a time so your spouse can easily
track your thinking and the point you want
to make.. Tip
#2: Repeat Back Your Understanding in Your Own Words If
you want to deepen your understanding of your spouse, you have
to try and make
sure you understand what he or she is sharing with
you. One excellent way to
do this is to explain your understanding
of what your spouse said. Your
explanation should make sense to you and should put your
spouse in a good light,
even if you don't agree with what is being said. I
don't mean parroting what was said. Rather you should communicate
what you
understood in your own words. Once
you have repeated back your understanding, ask your spouse if
your understanding
was correct. It may or may not be. Always keep that
in mind. The point here
is not to nail your spouse down on whether or
not he or she is being consistent
or telling the truth but, rather, to try
and come to an understanding of her
truth or his truth. People
process their thoughts in real time. Your spouse may not be
consistent from
statement to statement. Allow his thoughts and feeling
to develop in real time,
and see if you can deepen your understanding of
them, learning to empathize
with instead of criticize what your spouse
is thinking and feeling. Continue
back and forth this way as much as you need to so that you
can develop a real
understanding of each other. Tip
#3: Ask Open-Ended Questions You
can also deepen the conversation and keep it going by asking
open-ended questions. Open-ended
questions are question that can't be answered with a simple
"yes"
or "no," and usually do not tell the other person what to talk about.
Open-ended
questions offer your spouse the opportunity to share more
about what he or
she is thinking or feeling. When
you provide the opportunity for your spouse to talk, and you are
an active
listener, you give a strong message that you are interested in
your spouse,
and that he or she is a valuable person in your life. These
techniques alone won't repair significant problems in communication.
And, by
themselves, they probably won't save your marriage. But they can
sure help
take you a big step in that direction. Use
the tips offered here in combination to start creating a more dynamic, intimate
form of communication with your spouse.
You can refer to my colleague Dr. Gunzberg
ebooks if you want to take your communcation to an even deeper level Help - click
here today.
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How to Communicate
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