Should You Confront the Lover

If you are in a committed relationship that is violated by an act of infidelity - cheating, the pain can be absolutely unbearable.

When a man (or woman) cheats there could be a variety of factors in play concerning why. The primary reason is usually an insecurity with themselves, and so they continuously need to be validated. Men find validation easiest through physical contact. Emotional and mental validation is a little trickier for them.:)

But besides analyzing your partner, there is another issue to consider. There is another person involved in your relationship now. And you are really trying to decide whether or not you should confront his lover - the other woman.

The reason why you are considering to confront his/her lover is because you have been hurt by both of them and you want to ask her a ton of questions. Maybe you want to know how they met. How often did they get together. Whether or not she knew about you

Perhaps you are considering confronting his lover because you want to know what she looks like. Is she pretty? What her demeanor is. What her personality is like. Does she have any taste or any class.

The reasons why you are perhaps second-guessing confronting his lover is because you are an adult and you know that some of wanting to see her is based on pure jealousy and an almost kid-like curiosity.

Deep down you know that none of the things you find out will change the fact of what he did. And there's always a chance that she will lie to you about their relationship and make it much more grandiose then it was or perhaps even down play it to protect him.

You might be second-guessing yourself because confronting his lover is almost like meeting the kid on the playground for a fight at recess. It's just silly. And it could go really badly. Perhaps yelling, crying, or worse - physical violence.

So what is the conclusion? In my opinion, needing answers about an affair and the other party in that affair should be answered by the offender. You should ask your partner/husband things about his lover and he should answer them. Any reluctance on his part to answer your questions is a problem. Giving you an explanation is a large part of him learning to give respect to you and your commitment.

Will it ever be enough? Probably not. You will always have unanswered questions and you will never know everything that happened between your partner/husband and his lover. It's impossible. And a confrontation with his lover will not remedy that. It may give you some immediate sense of gratification -- but that too can fester later into more questions.

Why didn't I ask her this or that? What did she mean by this or that? I forgot to tell her this or that. I shouldn't of let it get physical or I should of slapped her for what she said. I wonder if she is still talking to him. Does she love him? Does she still want him? And the questions can go on and on...it's your decision, but confronting his lover is not the solution for your own sense of peace and resolution.

written by: Lisa Angelettie, M.S.W., is a psychotherapist, writer, founder of girlshrink.com