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Q.
Maple: My wife was beaten
by her mother as a child and I can tell it still affects her because I find it
hard to talk to her because if I say something that sets her off, she goes crazy
and starts smacking herself and throwing things. How can I help her channel her
aggravation in a better way? Any ideas? M.
A.
Your wife may be experiencing "emotional memory" - a reaction to an
event or situation that triggers her memories of abuse. I'd recommend reading
this article on Emotional Memory on this website at www.drjoecarver.com It also
sounds like your wife may be experiencing a depression. The website also contains
articles on depression and chemical imbalance (the theory behind depression and
other mental health issues). There
is very little you can do to make her work on her anger...she has to want this...a
great deal before she will be able to change it." If she admits your need
of help it is a real mark of progress. Love is very close to hate on the emotional
scale. As our emotional life matures, we seek to gain control of these high energy
feelings, harnessing their energy, stopping them from getting out of control by
exerting self-control" according to Self-Help Magazine's Trevor Harvey, M.D.
article written actually for men (read below).
Treat her with kindness, love and understanding as much as possible. And when
things get to be too much...take a walk to get away from it for awhile. Most of
all don't put yourself into danger by her actions. If she is open to talking about
it...then maybe she would be willing to join a survivors support group rather
than the therapist route. See how she feels with the group.
Also she should
get a diary with a lock for no one to read and for her to write.
It isn't
uncommon for a survivor to hit themselves or even cut or burn themselves...she
is not alone. Do not accept abuse from her in any way. That's not acceptable.
If she needs therapy that's one issue but don't feel sorry for her. She can't
be abusive to other people. This throwing of things - it's unacceptable. She's
behaving abusively herself. See if you can get her to go for therapy.
Get
the book and read more about Anger Busting.
Be calm - she can control
her anger if she wants to.
Blessings,
AskMaple
For
Anger Management Program/Workbooks
 Goals
To reduce levels of anger in provocative situations
To learn effective coping
behaviors in order to halt escalation and to resolve conflicts
The goal is
not to talk about each member's anger experience, to process anger, to understand
individuals' psychodynamics'' of anger, or to ventilate anger
Behavior
Health Information for Men by Self-Help Magazine
Trevor
Harvey, M.D.
Some
men, possibly as the result of experiences earlier in life, can find that those
closest to them, those they value most, trigger the most powerful releases of
uncontrolled outbursts of this energy. This results in acts of violence, hurtful
to those he loves, and making the individual feel unworthy, fearful of the consequences
of his lack of self-control. Unchecked,
these can become habitual responses, revealing a cycle of cause and effect where
strong feelings he cannot channel more acceptably are vented through violence.
Some men seem naturally more likely to respond to emotional pressure with aggression
than others. This is thought to be a mainly learned response (nurture), but there
is an element of personal make-up here (nature). The aim is to help you to recognize
the causes of this anger, to detect when violent behavior is likely to occur,
and to control and manage that emotional energy non-destructively. I
believe this is an inward thing. While the frustration of confinement, physical
or emotional, can lead to violence, the history of sports stars involved in partner
abuse suggests that physical exercise alone doesn't avert the aggressive response.
I suggest three lines of action, self help, seeking help to manage your anger
and seeking advice and help together with your partner about your relationship.
Anger management
groups have a lot to offer men faced with the problem of partner abuse. This question
holds within it the seeds of hope; you have acknowledged your need of help, and
that's progress. In self help terms, it may help to avoid discussion of important
issues with your partner in the house; your dwelling contains memories of past
clashes, and the environment can cause you both to "defend your territory."
When you feel the tell-tale sensations of mounting anger, the tell-tale build
up of tension, the descent of the "black cloud": 1.
Step back - don't invade your partner's personal space, but keep a respectful
distance. 2.
State as calmly and cooly as you can how you feel right now, if it helps, but
DON'T argue, WINNING here is avoiding violence, NOT scoring points. 3.
Firmly hold your right wrist with your left hand... this reminds you of your physicality,
and your potential to hurt. Plus, it restrains you from converting your feelings
into violent action. It lessens the feeling of threat your partner feels, while
signalling, Stay back! 4.
If you feel like you want to cry, DON'T fight this feeling. Let go, machismo is
OUT here! Crying is nothing to be ashamed of, and is preferable in every way to
converting your frustration and anger into abuse. 5.
Intentionally, breathe deeply and slowly, aim to control your inner urge to strike
out. Say the words, I'm angry but I love you! if it helps ... but don't approach
her if the anger is still there. 6.
Go for a walk.... NOT a drive! Your
behavior is likely to indicate that there is work to be done in the whole area
of you relationship. Have you considered relationship counselling? As a way of
showing your partner how much you value both her and yourself, this would be a
positive step, and the counselling service can also refer you to anger management
resources. It's worth the effort, so go for it! | 
