Cyber Cheating Online

Cybersex becomes adultery when one person in the relationship does it without consent from a partner and without concern for how he or she will feel about it.

Concealing a relationship outside of the primary one means that lying and hiding are involved, and at the moment, there is very little, if any, regard for how the other person will feel about that outside relationship. The lying and secrecy associated with cybersex and most cyberaffairs will destroy a couple’s trust and commitment. Trust is sacred in any relationship, and once that trust is broken, it is hard to repair.

Q. Dear Maple:

Hi. Okay, where to start. Proof? Oh yes! Well, my idiot spouse (fiancé) left his hotmail account sitting open on our family computer and I saw it when I sat down. He was emailing this girl how he thought she was beautiful, wanted to kiss her, etc. Then, the girl had emailed back and said that she had a boyfriend and couldn't possibly cheat. I confronted and all hell broke loose.
He admitted to having been unfaithful with four other women. He was seeing this other woman on the side (he worked out of town every Sunday - just that day) and then another woman on side. Then, during my pregnancy with my son he was sleeping with two other women who he worked with (one of these women was married). He said he has not been with anyone since June 2003 (two months before my son's birth). Thing is... I found that email which tells me that he was pursuing other women... he just got caught.
He is begging me back. Flowers, cards, tears... the whole crap. I hate him so much and don't know how to deal with my hurt and anger. I know I have to so that we can raise our son in a healthy environment but how do I do that? I never want to work it out. Is that bad? I just want to heal, move on and be with someone I trust. I can never trust him again and the thought of him with other women breaks my heart. Thanks for listening.Mich

Q. Dear Maple:

In the past my husband took explicit pics. of himself, (which he hid from me) hung out in the Bi Chats, (ostensibly, to look for women) has used pornography, been to at least 1 gay peep show, had an in2snm profile that looked like it solicited to both sexes. He's been hit on by gay guys. He has been verbally, physically, and sexually abusive. The 1st said I was homosexual. In both cases, I seem to be the one getting yelled at.. His excuse for his above behavior is that he believes that I had an affair with an old boyfriend. He stored graphic pics. of a man on the desktop of the children's computer (accessible with a mouse click), (which of course, he denies...but I found) he installed spyware on my laptop and on that computer to watch me. Every day for 6 months 2003 he dumped out my purse,closet,and drawers, as well as in my car. I found a lot of evidence proving that he was in a relationship and I would have gotten the rest, except that he stole the hard drive from the children's computer. Is he bisexual? He has admitted to cybering with women and admitted "doing something"....but since keeps recanting it...he comes up with suspicious(and has through out our marriage) stuff.I filed for divorce in Aug.2003. I have also filed complaints against him with domestic abuse agency, and the police. I have an escape plan. At times, it seems he really wants to work on this so I put the divorce on hold to try and work this out, but feels as though the counselors want me to just get over what he has done...How do I do that.... but I am having a very rough time. We have a young child....his anger seems much worse...this last time was this last weekend because I asked him to be honest with me about what he did. He ended up throwing food at me and calling me a lot of nasty names. He has been hoarse 2 days because of it. Any answers would be appreciated. Thanks, Randy

A. This is one of many stories. I have posted this as the answer I got back from Mich.and Randy after asking if she had proof of the affair. If they are having an affair usually they leave proof at some time or other. If one is suspiscious don't waste timing wondering as the longer you leave the affair on -- your spouse can become emotionally attached because of the newness of the affair, etc. I personally believe whether one can work on the issues it depends on the maturity of the person, the length of time they have been together because I know first-hand these issues can be worked out. It takes a lot of work some times to maintain your marriage. If the person doesn't treat you with respect, honour, or any violence and is a habitual liar then no it isn't worth all the pain one has to go through again and again. Don't put up with an abusive relationship and be a helpless victim. A big NO to abuse.

When unmet needs, feelings of disconnection, fighting, withdrawal, inattention build up, people look for a way out -- and a way to get their needs met and feel important, special and loved. Couples need to sit together and work out all the issues of why the affair happened to understand their spouses. There is usually a reason. With enough understanding and compassion you can work anything out and we all have to have hope. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Both of the two seem to have so many trust issues.

Randy, I wonder if he has "same-sex infidelity" see the article under "Cheating Spouse".
Frequenting gay or bisexual websites - check the history in your internet browser. Possession of pornography depicting men engaged in sex acts with other men (videos, magazines, photos stored on his computer), answering personal ads on gay web sites.

Also, It is important that couples learn to not argue in ways that are constructive. This means that disagreement remains focused on the current issue and that everyone avoids dragging in past issues.When tempers do flare and feelings are hurt, it is essential that the couple have the capacity to be forgiving, so that the relationship can recover from the conflict and move on. Forgiving is complex so lets work on getting back together at a meaningful level. Even during a quarrel, it is important for spouses to behave in ways that are respectful of their partner. If you have domestic issues you have to get control of them.

I sincerely believe that if he could find the right counselor he could change but he has to want to. Many times couples go to counseling and don't reveal the truth. They expect the counselor to guess what the heck the problem is or they hold back the crucial facts. He needs to address the problem of his unresolved anger, as well as cybersex addiction. Depending on the kind of affair that confronts you, this is your best chance for the two of you to resolve the relationship, with counseling being a helpful tool. For more information, please get my new ebook on
"How to Stop Internet Infidelity" Click Here. Don't give these affairs time -- this is so critical.

AskMaple