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What
is Cybersex?
Cybersex can be described in three general categories:
Accessing pornography
on the Internet
Engaging in real-time sexual conversations with others
Accessing multimedia software (not necessarily online)
Regardless of
the mode of sexual behavior, each cybersex category can lead to spending inordinate
amounts of time engaging in sexual fantasy and sexual behavior online. People
who do spend high amounts of time engaged in such activities are known as cybersex
compulsives. | For
the cybersex addict, increasing amounts of time are spent "surfing,"
downloading, creating files, masturbating, reading information posted on sexual
bulletin boards, exchanging sexual information live with others in sexual chat
rooms or via computer cameras, or directing their own live sex shows on interactive
sites--in short, looking for what's new, what's better than last time. |
The Internet just happens to provide many of the things sex addict's seek, all
in one place: isolation, secrecy, fantasy material, endless variety, around-the-clock
availability, instant accessibility and a rapid means of returning, low or no
cost.
David
a senior partner married with two children works for a popular advertising agency,
had earned a reputation for integrity and for caring about his clients. He quickly
discovered internet porn and within a month his addiction was out of control.
"It's called the crack cocaine of sex addiction and my story illustrates
why," he says, "it just wreaked havoc with my working life." But
not only was he addicted to porn he found another sexual thrill. He would spend
hours during the day creating personal profiles while portraying them in online
dating services advertising himself as single and perhaps available. He even went
to the risk of posting his photo on there. David
lived almost entirely within his secret virtual world. "One get hopelessly
addicted very, very quickly and its so accessible". Until one day he made
the mistake of checking his many online responses at his home computer. Scenarios
like this are increasingly common. David's
story is not unlike hundreds of others written about in Cybersex
Unhooked: A Workbook for Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior
The author, Dr. David Delmonico indicates that three As can be pointed to as the
key reasons why cybersex addiction is an increasing problem on the information
highway—accessibility,
affordability and anonymity. The world is available. In
the self-help book titled, In
the Shadows of the Net : Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior
Delmonico and two co-authors discuss the growing addition to cybersex and the
methods in which those who are addicted may break free. The first is a loss of
a sense of freedom to choose whether or not to engage in the behavior. "The
comparison is to the alcoholic who’s great at quitting," said Delmonico,
"but he’s just not that great at keeping himself off. These are people
who have sworn themselves off cybersex hundreds of times but find themselves back
in it again." Another
indicator is the consequences that go along with the addiction, such as professionals
losing their partnership because they have no billable hours after spending their
days surfing the net, or relationships suffering because the lure of the Internet
draws someone away. The
third criteria is obsession—"not being able to not think about it,"
according to Delmonico. The Internet has some unique features that make it powerfully
attractive and difficult to resist. We have called this the Cyberhex. The features
of the Cyberhex are: interactive, inexpensive, imposing, integral, isolating,
intoxicating. "Cybersex
addicts talk about ‘I’m either thinking about how I’m going to
get my next fix online, I’m in the middle of getting it, or I’m coming
down from having gotten it,’" Delmonico said. "That’s the
only three states of mind they know." Indeed,
for some people cybersex is so powerful and can get so out of control that it
can destroy their families, careers and lives. The web makes it very easy to cheat
as too many of you have already learned. Some of you have lost your marriage to
your spouse's fantasy lover, and some of you have lost your marriage. We are seeing
an explosion of cases of online sexual problems and scrambling to improve early
detection and treatment strategies.
As
easy as the new technology has made it, before you think about cheating online,
think what it will do to the person you vowed to love and honor. Cheating online
is not harmless fun. Virtual sex is not harmless sex. You will hurt someone, your
spouse, your family, and even that lonely person who believes those words you
type.
Take the cyber-sex addiction
test - click
here
Avoid
Triggering Situations:
You don't have to go for lunch at nudie bars, if you can't avoid situations where
you work at your computer install the blocking
software (where you don't know the password), keep your door open and your
computer in a family room, never go online when you are alone. Combat physicial
inactivity and combat isolation.
When
Sexual Addiction and Infidelity Meet One
kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The partner involved
in the affair, plain and simple, has a difficult time saying "NO." He/she
may want to, but feels compelled to say "yes." People
can’t say no? Well, I believe we all have the capacity, at some level, to
say no. However, not all have developed that capacity or reached that level to
firmly say no and mean it. Some
are "stuck" and seem to lack the ability to consistently act on the
"no." Please remember that all of us are "grabbed" by something
and find it difficult to let go. Infidelity when connected to sexual addiction
and its many forms, however, becomes a powerful focal point. How
to know if infidelity is attached to sexual addiction: 1.
Sex takes on an inflated role or value. Sex, sexual conquest, sexual release becomes
a powerful force. Acting on the sexual impulse is a frequent activity. Thinking
about sex likewise consumes an inordinate amount of time. Multiple ways of acting
out sexually (porn, strip clubs, multiple sex partners, etc.) are common. 2.
This activity is bound by fear. The person lives with fear: the fear of getting
caught, the fear of consequences, the fear of "being found out," the
fear of being abnormal, the fear of being punished, and the fear of losing family,
spouse, job and respect. 3.
A promise/failure cycle ebbs and flows with the inability to say no. After an
"acting out" episode the person usually experiences guilt/fear and promises
to self or others, "I won’t do it again." This will last...until
the "urge" is acted upon again. The spouse may be aware or unaware (but
sense that something is not "right") of the "roller coaster"
and succession of broken promises. 4.
Others are used or seen as objects for personal gratification. No true intimacy
is developed. 5.
Sexuality is often confused with other needs or connected to unresolved past pain
or trauma. A child who experiences confusion around sexuality or sexual abuse
of one form or another, may carry along that confusion and attempt to "work
that through" in a marriage or extramarital affairs. (I worked with one woman
who "used" a one-night fling with a significant person to "clear
up" a particular issue.) She was free of that "urge" from that
point on. No one ever knew. Could she have chosen a different way? Maybe. 6.
Such a person lives in a distorted world. They come to see the world and relationship
through the eyes of their "addiction." They have a great capacity to
rationalize their behavior, deceive others and may lead a "dual" life.
Tip: If you suspect
these characteristics fit you or someone you love, get some help before your world
disintegrates further or falls apart. Life can be different. Life, sexuality,
a truly intimate relationship IS different. You can get there. You are stuck,
and need some true love, care and guidance to arrive at the next level. If
you are interested in learning about the 6 other forms of infidelity Bob oultines:Click
Here for more .
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