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How
Divorce Affects Children 
Q.
Dear Maple: I
have been divorced for 12 years. I remarried 3 years ago. I have always tried
to be amiable with my ex. (We have a son who is 13) My ex recently took me to
court for additional child support. I really don't care about that, its just she
uses little of the money for my son's needs. It leaves me feeling impotent with
no control. I
am now resentful and angry now that the boy is older and some chickens have come
home to roost, relative to the boy's development. I want to get beyond my current
feelings of wanting to have absolutely nothing to do with her. I feel that the
pursuit of a relationship with her, for the boy's benefit has been useless. I
have been very active in my son's life over the years. Any
insight you can provide will be appreciated. Thank you. Arthur
A. Arthur -- it is very common for divorced
people to want to alienate from their ex's and most of the time they can with
the one exception "children". One has to always remind the divorcees
when you have children you still have to deal with the ex. It is still the responsibility
of the parents to be parents. So why not in a nice amiable way? Remember you have
a new partner now and have the life you wanted. One of the most damaging aspects
of divorce is parental conflicts. Avoid conflict in front of your children. What
I want to tell you is to think of the young child and what they have been through.
The children have had so much to go through emotionally. Most of all they are
still learning from you. Couples who fight, bicker, argue over money are all teaching
their children these values. We don't want to draw children into the conflict.
I am sure she will be using the money when you see how much food these growing
teenagers eat! Stay active in your son's life - be there for him.
Parents
have to be a part of their childrens lives forever. He really needs you in these
tough teenage years also. You have to responsibly communicate with the ex. You
may not have control over choices your ex does but you do have control over your
life. If parents work together, your child can ultimately develop emotionally
healthy.
While
you may not have control over the choices your ex-spouse makes,
you do have
control over the choices you make. When situations are highly
conflictual
or difficult keep in mind:
a.. Always stay focused on the best interest of
your children.
b.. Address issues with your ex-spouse in a business like manner.
c.. If face-to-face contact is too conflictual use written communication.
d.. Don't retaliate when your spouse says or does something to push
your buttons.
e.. Find safe and healthy ways to vent/process your feelings.
f.. Strive to
provide your children with consistency and stability
regardless of the other
parent's actions.
g.. Don't get yourself worked up over the small stuff.
h.. Don't use drop-offs or pick-ups as a discussion time. Schedule
mutually
agreeable times to talk over issues without children present. How
you interact with the other person determines how that person will interact with
you. If past issues have made you angry then lets deal with them now so we don't
carry them into the new relationship. A really great site that has lots of help
and support for divorced people and especially children: Click
Here. Regards,
AskMaple.
How
to be Free of Guilt and Resentment - Divorce as Friends Guilt
and resentment are states of mind that destroy love and create suffering. They
seem to be caused by what happened but they're not. They are caused by how you
relate to what happened. Fortunately,
since you created them, you can also release them. How
To Divorce As Friends
This audio set walks you through the process of
healing the hurt, ending the cycle of conflict and restoring the love, not as
husband and wife, but as one human being to another. You will learn how to let
go, communicate, forgive and how to take the conflict out of resolving issues.
You will learn how to heal your relationship and if necessary, how to part as
friends. Divorce
can be very traumatic for children. The
single biggest factor in the well being of children in divorce is how well their
parents get along with each other. So do everything you can to heal your relationship,
one human being to another.
Do everything you can to have the family unit continue. To a child, the loss of
family represents the loss of security and well being. Do everything you can to
heal your relationship with the other parent so you can work together for your
children. Support your children as a family even though you live in different
places. Make sure your children know that they will always be loved and taken
care of.
Maintain a good working relationship with the other parent. Act respectfully
towards the other parent and stay focused on the best interests of your children.
Avoid exposing your children to heated debates, insults, and other forms of conflict.
Arrange times to discuss important issues when the children won't overhear. Stay
in communication with each other and work to heal your relationship, one human
being to another.
Resolve disputes and end conflict -
information on how to move on with your life.
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AskMaple
- How Divorce affects Children 
