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FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS INLAWS
Surviving the 'inlaws'
by SIANA SCATTI
 | They
say that when you marry you don't wed your spouse, but rather your spouse's family
and, for many, this extended family brings a wealth of support, friendships and
love. |
If
you are unlucky, however, inlaws can be the bane of your life. If you're out of
luck, they can bring about many frosty times with your partner, who may have vowed
to love you forever. Annoying inlaws put a very bad strain upon a marriage if
your spouse cannot see them through anything but rose-coloured glasses. Remember,
however, they have been the loving influence upon your spouse for their entire
lives and, as such, deserve credit for how your beloved has turned out. They may
be old, meddling fuddy-duddies (in your eyes) but you have been given the responsibility
of making their loved child, even a 40-year-old, happy and content. That means
not upsetting your partner by ridiculing or being rude to them. If
your inlaws harp on about things not being done the way they would have done it
or to their level of expectation, don't fire up. They have different attitudes
and, when it comes down to it, only want the best for their offspring. Stay
calm and, if you have to say something, gently suggest that not everyone thinks
along the same lines. But don't buy into an argument. While
parents-in-law may be the main cause of aggravation, the brothers and sisters
of your spouse can cause upheavals as well. Petty
jealousies that stem from childhood can rear their ugly heads if one sibling seems
to be doing better than another and woe-betide the family's tallest poppy. The
sniping and back-stabbing can be brutal. Sisters
can be the best of friends, or the worst of rivals, and no matter how much one
moans or criticises the other the safest option is to keep quiet and find a nice
book to read. Don't buy in to it. Don't get involved. In fact, run away! Stay
wise, stay alert and stay silent. Here are Five Golden Rules: Rule
1: Never Criticise inlaws Even
if your spouse has just had a huge blow-up with one of them - keep right out of
it. Nod, make a cuppa, hold their hand, but never say anything negative about
the offender. If
you are tempted to offer some sensible view of the incident - don't. Bite your
cheek, mash your tongue, but don't say a word because it will only come back at
you in the form of: "You've never liked my family!" Rule
2: Always Be Polite If
you happen to pick up the phone and it's one of your loved one's relatives, it
can do no harm to be polite. After
all, a minute's worth of: "How is the weather there?" "How's young
Hermione?" "Fine, thanks" or "And you?" will make your
life considerably easier. The beautiful thing about the phone is that they cannot
see the look on your face as you talk politely. Rule
3: Never Compare Families Just
as you must never compare the achievements of one sibling with another's, you
must never mention your family's two doctors, three lawyers and five masters degrees
in the same breath as your inlaws' one Victorian Certificate of Education pass.
In fact, just don't talk about it. Rule
4: Never Be Provoked This
is particularly apt during the festive season. No matter how obnoxious an in-law
gets while imbibing Christmas spirit you must do your utmost to ignore the jibes,
snarky comments and obvious wind-ups. Christmas
and birthdays tend to lead to a lot of family fights and being in the middle of
one can have long-term consequences. A kebab stick through the palm of the hand
will usually have your mind focused elsewhere and allow you to ride the hassles. Rule
5: Avoid Danger Ground If
get-togethers seem to be on a downward spiral then it may pay to avoid them. Don't
do so in an obvious or provocative way - that makes things worse than the probable
fight ahead - but find a way to avoid the trip to Sister Hilary's. It
could be right-on-deadline work or a viral contagion that only lays you low for
a few hours.
Inlaws,
Outlaws, and the Functional Family: A Real-World Guide to Resolving Family Issues By
Harry Jackson --In a humorous style, he provides real-world answers to real-world
family situations. Jackson's message is a triage - an action plan for today's
families who need help to survive and thrive in an environment where so many things
work to rip the family unit apart. In this "war" every topic is addressed
head on - including money issues, communication, parenting, sex, the building
blocks of good relationships, strategies to turn generational curses into generational
blessings, and more.
Toxic
inlaws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage
Are your inlaws poisoning your marriage?
Toxic inlaws come in a variety of
guises. There's the Critic, who can't wait to tell you what you're doing wrong:
the Controller, who tries to run your life; the Engulfer, who makes constant demands
on your time; and the Master of Chaos, whose numerous problems inevitably end
up in your lap. If you're suffering from these or from any other type of infuriating
inlaws, your frustration is likely affecting your relationship with your spouse.
This remarkable book will help. With
equal doses of understanding and advice, Susan Forward helps you navigate the
treacherous waters of toxic inlaws. She explains the unique complexities of the
in-law problem, a triangle that forces you and your spouse into a tug-of-war of
loyalty and support. She shows how inlaws often manipulate their children to get
what they want, and helps you understand the difficulties this poses for your
partner.
Emotional
Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate
You
Do any of the above sound familiar? They're all examples of emotional blackmail,
a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish
us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value
our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets.
They are our mothers, our partners, our bosses and coworkers, our friends and
our lovers. And no matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate
knowledge to give themselves the payoff they want: our compliance.
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