Infidelity - Focus on Self-Care

The single most important step is to Take Care of Yourself. If you look after yourself you will feel better after this all this is over, whether it be working on your relationship, or if you decide not to continue in your marriage. An extramarital affair demands tremendous energy and often throws your life off a healthy track - which further perpetuates your inability to respond in a healthy way to the crisis.

Don't forget your body while you wrestle with infidelity. Use exercise and good nutrition to give you more confidence and control. Don't take alcohol or anti-depressants.

Another essential step is to have a close caring friend to share your information with who is trustworthy. If you do not have such a friend who you would confide in then please join a support group on the internet. We have a very caring group, Infidelity Blog/Board, who are easy to talk to, to give you self-worth, inspire and build your self-esteem. You are not alone.

Take that first step to a better you -- to take control of your power. You feel so hurt because you know your own self-worth, you know you don't deserve infidelity.

Infidelity Discovered: Ten Ways to Calm Your Powerful Feelings
A New Article by Dr. Huizenga

When you find out about the affair, the first few hours, days and weeks can be emotionally wrenching to say the least. Or, if someone you deeply care about begins "pulling away" you may also experience intense feelings. Read through this list and pick out a couple things you can do to help yourself during these times.

1. Walk. Run, if you are fit enough to run. Work out. Get the blood flowing. Physical exercise drains off the adrenaline and physically you feel better. You also think better of yourself because you are caring for you.

2. Talk. If you typically handle problems by talking them out, find someone who will listen as you pour out your heart. Give them explicit instructions: "I need to talk, vent, cry, rage, and question. Just look me in the eye, nod your head and listen."

3. Write. Get a kitchen timer. Set it for 5 minutes. Spend that time writing...anything, everything that comes to your mind. Don't censor. When the bell goes off say to yourself, "OK, there it is. Now I need to get on to other things. I will come back later and write more." Put the writing in a safe place or destroy it.

4. Find a safe place and spend some time there. Do you have a favorite lake, wooded area, park, room, chair where you feel safe and can "get away." Intentionally spend some time there.

5.Use good "self talk." Tell yourself, "You are ok. You will be ok. This too shall pass. What you are feeling is normal and will not destroy you." Develop that "observing part" that can speak to your turmoil.

6. Pray. Meditate. Use your spiritual resources, if you have them. If you don't have them, it can be a good time to develop them. Spirituality often affirms your worth and enables you to see the larger picture.

7. Be aware. Notice what you are thinking, how you are feeling and what you are doing. Pay close attention to these chunks of your life. Just noticing often creates distance from the emotional pain.

8. Encourage the rhythm of your feelings. Your feelings will come and go, often as in waves. There will be lulls and sometimes they crash. Notice the intensity and frequency of the waves.

9. Get professional help. Supportive therapy might be helpful. Personal and professional coaching, often via telephone, is a helpful phenomenon that is increasingly popular as a way to find support and direction for specific problems.

10. Gather resources. Start reading, exploring the internet and talking to people about your situation. Believe me, you are not alone. Many people have walked your path (well, not exactly your path, but close) and are there to offer their understanding and point out the bends and turns of your road. Stop hesitating, read more advice from an expert in Infidelity, Dr.Bob's coaching techniques.

The Woman's Book of Resilience: 12 Qualities to Cultivate

It is understandable and instinctive to experience the strong negative feelings associated with being harmed, insulted, and injured. We want to blame the person or people who hurt us; we want to see them suffer. We want them to hurt every bit as much as we have been hurt. We instinctively look for ways to make ourselves feel better, stronger, back to center. We don't want to view ourselves as the hurt, the weak, and the one under. It feels further humiliating to be unable to right the situation, protect ourselves, or stop the aggression or injustices. Even when we have been victimized, we dislike being the victim.

Through forgiving and cultivating genuine compassion, we take our power back; we open the door to freedom. We discover the freedom to be inventive in relating to others, to handling traumatic experiences in a strong and firm manner and standing up for ourselves without damaging anyone else. Being resilient, weathering the next storm or navigating the present upheaval requires an open heart and a clear mind that results from forgiving and having compassion.

To be resilient requires a lightness of step and the flexibility to move and not stay stuck or mired in yesterday. It is through accepting the reality of what has been done, accepting the reality of having been hurt, betrayed, wronged; working through the layers and layers of difficult emotions and thoughts accompanying the injury, and finding ways to improve our life and state of mind that gives us the best opportunity for true freedom from insult and trauma. It is through admitting, feeling, and letting go of the negative emotions associated with the egregious act that we transcend victimization.

The Woman's Book of Resilience: click here: 12 Qualities to Cultivate

Other Issues to Consider

Protect yourself sexually.
If he’s cheating, your health is at risk. You’re already a victim of infidelity. Don’t become a victim of HIV/AIDS too. Did you know findings from a nationwide study suggest that 4.1 million people in the US have been infected with hepatitis C virus (HCV).

If you are financially dependant on your husband take college courses or start to earn a living.

Find out your legal rights, what you're legally entitled to (alimony, child support, division of marital assets) in the event of a divorce or separation. It is always good to know.

Get control of your current financial situation and make the necessary adjustments. Establish credit in your own name. Set up a separate checking or savings account. Start putting money aside for a rainy day.

Prepare yourself emotionally and mentally.
Accept the possibility that your marriage may end. Don’t be caught off guard. Have a plan in place in case your husband decides to move out or ask for a divorce. Begin formulating your strategy now.

Focus your energy and efforts on the positive things you can do to make the best of a bad situation. Empower yourself by acting on these suggestions and you’ll take charge today..