Don't Gamble with Your Love
Q. Dear Maple:
I am a 29 year old female who I guess you could say out of loneliness and feeling of being undesired entered into an affair. I am in Washington State and he was from Vegas...... He came here the first time and since we weren't being intimate he stayed at our home. Well he ended up getting along great with my husband so since they they have become friends. I had gone to Vegas several times and him here until we finally became intimate. However horrid this sounds he has now moved into our home. It's no longer a affair but more like carrying on two relationships. My husband has no idea and everyday I wake up trying to figure out how I managed to do this. The "other man" is a sweet guy but I have more then decided I want to end it.. It's just not that simple... I have been to his families house in Vegas and his whole family knows nothing about my other life... they all think I will eventually be a part of their family, even send me birthday cards and such. They now want to come visit since there son lives here..... I just want to be done with this. I love his family after knowing them for so long... what do I do? how do I end this all????? Mel.
Update: Mel has asked the man to leave immediately and is now working on her relationship.
Q.I have been seeing this married man for almost 1 year and his wife moved out 2 days ago and that is all he talks about. I have told him that if he wants her back to just tell her and let me go. I love him with all my heart but I do not know what to do. He says I try to be his mother since they have split up and I am not I just worry about him. So I guess what I am trying to get to is does he really want me or does he want his wife back. The pain that I put myself through is killing me. Please help me.
A. Judy he will have to resolve his marriage problems for himself. That is between him and his wife. So you have to give him space and time. It is his crisis and he created it. Don't delude yourself this isn't an easy process. If he should leave his wife I would truly try to find out why he had the affair. He will also suffer guilt issues. Maybe he would still have more unresolved issues. Is he a master of deceit?
Most people who enter into affairs with married people are always going to get heartbreak. So just wait and see. I hope you learned from this lesson -- it just isn't worth it. Try to figure out why you were drawn to the lure of a married man. Take care of yourself. Get into your own individual therapy to get to the roots of your vulnerable attraction to the "false" intimacy of a love triangle. Consider your reasons for being attracted to a man who is unavailable to you and who you have to "win" to have in your life. Accept your responsibility in creating this conundrum. Take action to correct your own involvement in hurting others as well as yourself. You have to assume responsibility for your own pain.
Affairs cause everyone shame.
I have been separated from my wife for around 16 months. I left when I found out about an affair she was having with her boss. He took her on trips, dinners, bought her clothes and cars all the while I worked and sat home with the kids. I now know at the time I did not pay any attention to her because I started a new business and moved from the city to the suburbs. I had a lot of stress on myself -- when I found out I was shocked, I trusted her, I was angry, I was depressed after I left. She was still seeing her boss but she is also a very good and respected yoga and pilates instructor at age 36. She is a lean hard perfectly built woman, not a single stretch mark and she defies gravity for having 2 kids. Remarkable! Any way while in her yoga conference travels she made love to a lot of world known yoga instructors. She said that all men come on to her. After a while we became on better terms and we are getting back together and I promise never to not pay attention to her or I will never say no to her, I will be her slave, I forgive her for anything she has done. It was mostly my fault. I will be her slave until I die, I worship the ground she walks on. Thank you God. From a man who was once angry to a man who sees the light!. Frank
A. Well I think if one looks after their partner's needs, they will treat you like a Queen. I don't know about being a slave though -- both partners should be treated equal with mutual respect.