Infidelity

The Infidelity book Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman, a seasoned family therapist, is a self-help guide written for couples who are trying to understand and survive infidelity in their relationship. It focuses on the emotional impact of infidelity and the possible meanings of affairs as understood against the background of a marriage. It also proposes a road map for couples who are deciding whether to break up or stay together. Lusterman identifies aspects of resilience in couples' relationships and he suggests ways to use these resources to recover and to rebuild trust.

Lusterman, the author begins by focusing on the reactions of shock and devastation that typically follow the discovery of infidelity and describes the shattering of trust and posttraumatic effects that are so typical. He wisely advises couples not to rush into reactive decisions and suggests that partners should give themselves time to reflect on why the infidelity might have occurred. Although Lusterman acknowledges that some affairs are rooted in the unfaithful partner's individual issues or can be grounded in cultural belief systems, he believes that most extramarital involvements are consequences of problems in the couple's relationship. He warns readers of the importance of time in the arduous process of reestablishing trust and suggests various frameworks to begin to think about possible reasons for the unfaithfulness. He gives clear and helpful advice on how the partners can successfully manage and direct their feelings during this crisis period.

Lusterman respects that not everyone is interested in continuing the relationship in the wake of infidelity. He insists, however, that whether the relationship survives or dies, there is ultimate value to the process of review in which the partners give themselves time to calm down and take stock of their relationship before making a final decision. He emphasizes that, when they are able to focus on the marriage and the meaning of the infidelity, their communication tends to improve and, as they face their pain and issues together, couples usually grow closer. In those cases, the crisis becomes a "wake-up call" and an opportunity for deep change and relationship growth. Even when divorce becomes the final outcome, by gaining a better sense of their feelings and patterns each partner will be better prepared for relationships in the future.

Lusterman is able to empathize not only with the partner who feels betrayed by the occurrence of the affair but also with the one who has the affair and is torn by doubt ar the loss of the lover. He also conveys respect for the third party, who is usually in pain and is waiting for the dissolution of the marriage. I particularly appreciate Lusterman's discussion of the question of whether or not it is always best to reveal infidelity. He reviews the different opinions of therapists in the field and describes some of the complexities involved in this question through a series of case examples. In a sophisticated way he warns the reader against assuming that one solution fits all.

Review: Don-David Lusterman, a psychologist practicing in Baldwin, New York, believes that couples who work hard can save their marriages following an affair: "People often find that once infidelity is discovered and its aftereffects are behind them, their relationship is stronger than before, and subsequent infidelity is unlikely." This isn't true only of married couples--Lusterman points out that people in long-term, committed relationships, whether straight or gay, face the same devastating emotions and have to go through a similar rebuilding process if they want to remain together after one has strayed. Whether or not a troubled couple chooses to stay together, Lusterman says the best outcome is when both partners experience changes and new insights into their lives. He provides several case studies in which couples began to regain their trust through new communication, and instructs on the kind of feelings-expressing language that can help. (He also provides a section on finding a good therapist.) This book will help people on either side of an affair begin to understand what's going on, and help them find the resources they need to continue that quest.