| What
Does Infidelity Mean?
Infidelity is the breaking of trust. Infidelity
does not discriminate and affects young to old. There are often contextual or
cultural pulls into affairs. Once infidelity is exposed a couple needs to decide
whether to strengthen to improve their marriage or dissolve an unstable marriage.
It is really a difficult decision, but take your time because if you rush to a
hasty decision it can be irreversible.
My
favorite description of infidelity is according to the late Shirley Glass (one
of the pioneers in studying infidelity), "infidelity
is that you took something that was supposed to be mine, which is sexual or emotional
intimacy, and you gave it to somebody else. I thought that we had a special relationship,
and now you have contaminated it; it doesn't feel special any more, because you
shared something very precious to us with someone else".
When you are reading
this web site stop and make notes on what situations feel true to you.
This will help you to focus
on the most important infidelity issues confronting you.
Following
the disclosure or discovery of an affair, both the hurt spouse and the marital
relationship are typically in a deep traumatized crisis. Do
you know why you suffer? Because you know you are worth more than all of this
and you do not deserve to be treated this way.
I
will assist you through this difficult time and show you how to deal with the
affair but please remember you have a choice. Infidelity is not acceptable. Don't
suffer in silence because you don't know what to do. Infidelity does not mean
the end of a relationship.
Find the Warning
Signs of Infidelity
If
the signs of infidelity point to an affair, the next step is to find out if it
is true. A lot of partners, deny, deny and lie about the infidelity. We have to
gather all of the information about the affair firstly to enforce their denial.
The first thing you need to
realize is this one simple truth: The affair was not your fault. The choice to
cheat resides with one person and one person alone—the cheater. It is the
cheater’s fault that the affair occurred, not yours. They are the one flawed.
Find
out exactly what they are up to firstly before reacting. This is your best chance
to get the information you need. I know it will be really difficult to contain
your anger, etc. but just keep it inside for now. Collect your evidence firstly.
In the initial stages you may not be clear about what you are going to do or up
against. Don't kick them out or leave.
Read
the Reasons for Affairs, and
journalize what seems familiar to your particular circumstance. Remember infidelity
has many faces so its important we understand and look into the underlying reasons.
Whatever the reason, it is this “leak” in your partner’s character
that caused the affair. Not you.
Catch
Cheating Spouse When
you have positive evidence, lets decide what to do with the information. Give
each other some space. Both partners need a break from the emotional stress generated
by the discovery of an affair. Although difficult, experts advise disengaging
when emotions are running high. Take
time. Avoid delving into the intimate details of the affair with your partner
at first. Postpone such discussions until you can talk without being overly accusatory
or destructive. Take time to absorb the situation.
| Remember:
Do Not Rush Toward any Decisive Decision. |
Discovery of Infidelity Discovery
is a time of crisis.
How to Problemize -- not confront.
What questions to ask to understand why the infidelity affair took place (the
reason may surprise you). Take notes throughout so you can work through your infidelity
issues.
Many
people feel deeply ashamed when they are injured by an affair. They either get
attached to the idea that it happened because they weren’t a good enough
partner. Or they worry that someone else will find out about the affair and they
will be humiliated or the fact they had lack of sex. If
there is one thing I can’t reiterate enough it is this: It is not your fault.
The cheater is responsible for the affair. You didn’t choose to have this
happen and it isn’t your fault that it did. Don't blame yourself.
Affairs are such a taboo
in this society, but they happen all the time. We don’t talk about them with
our families because they are so inappropriate that they seem wrong to talk about.
We don't talk about them with our families because of religious values, or many
families or friends will take sides, or some want to remain neutral. As such,
a lot of shame comes up around the idea of someone else finding out about the
affair. But with the statistics as they are, even if someone did find out that
you were injured by an affair it is more likely that they would empathize with
you than condemn you. I truly hope so. What
Should you Do? Click Here | We
will show you how to move on to how you can cope with all of the emotional turmoil,
end the pain and restore the trust. | |
Grab
hold of this lifeline that Dr. Bob Huizenga is throwing to you right now before
the tide gets out of control and pulls you out into a sea of unexplained and never-ending
emotional pain and heartache. He has some of the best advice available right now
on how to deal with an affair. Join his great support group also.
Infidelity
Advice - Remember:
For
the relationship to move forward, however, saying "I'm sorry" isn't
enough. Just because your love partner is no longer cheating doesn't mean the
problem has disappeared. If they want another chance, they must immediately break
off "all" contact with the other woman/man; no phone calls, no letters,
no e-mail, nothing! No Friendship. Breaking off means immediately.They also need
to explore, both in their own mind and in discussions with you, "why"
they had the affair. "I don't know!" is never a good answer. Saying
"I don't know!" stops the inquiry.
There
is no negotiation with infidelity. There is no negotiation with abuse. You don’t
negotiate on deception. Every couple needs to sit down and draw out their little
constitution of what’s acceptable and not acceptable in their marriage or
relationship and then stick to that truth but the first step is discussing the
issues.
Stay
Positive. Be
True to Yourself. Remember who you are. Remember your attitudes and beliefs that
make you the person you are. If you are a kind, loving, supportive person, then
bitterness and revenge will not sit well with you. While uttering a harsh word
may give momentary satisfaction, it won’t make you proud of yourself in the
long run. Not giving in to destructive emotional states which conflict with your
values, will bring the long-lasting satisfaction that you can be true to yourself,
even in the most trying of circumstances.
1.
Take Care of Yourself If
there is any other information you need please let us know. Get support from someone
who is educated about marriage and infidelity and who is an advocate for your
marriage immediately. Part of your healing process will be talking about the infidelity
with a trustworthy person.
I
want to help you through this terrible time. Please utilize the resources here
at the site to work towards putting the infidelity into the past and be united.
There are so many people who want to work with you and provide you with the answers.
If there is any other information you need please let me know. Read Focus
on Self-Care.
The time is now to turn over a new leaf.
AskMaple According
to statistics, infidelity is the number one presenting cause of marital crisis
(and an undiscovered cause in many more marital crises). If we can help any of
the involved partners take steps to end an affair and guide the couple through
recovery, we can decrease the divorce rate, preserve families, and prevent the
tragic effects of divorce on our children.
Stop
the Violence - Why
Do Spouses Kill?
After
watching the news lately, I just have to comment to all these couples killing
the other spouse for whatever the reason, stop the violence. Walk away from the
situation - you will have permanent freedom. People from all countries and from
all religions, cultures and social backgrounds - living in war or peace times
- suffer from violence at the hands of their partners or spouses. Get help - there
is many resources for men or women. This is not the way to handle your situation.
While
there is a real epidemic occurring, just why do spouses kill? The males kill to
keep the spouse and the female to get rid of them or pain. There are other reasons
as well such as getting in the way of their happiness, profit, abandonment, revenge,
temper tantrum, control, etc. If they feel that their spouse has a violent history,
is depressed and/or desperate, owns weapons located in the home, is socially isolated,
abuses drugs, is physically and/or psychologically abusive….get help and
fast. Run don’t walk to your nearest mental health center. Turn to the people
you trust in your life for advice. Don’t push uncomfortable feelings under
the rug. No one has to question their relationship alone. Reach out…there
are people out there who can help you put your relationship into perspective.
I have zero room for violence and will not put up with it and I don't want to
you see do so either.
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