AskMaple
Internet Infidelity Advice Expert
Submit your Request -- any question or send us your stories on internet infidelity - we will always have an answer. Be prepared for upfront and direct answers.

I have helped others with internet infidelity for nearly a decade.

Reasons to expose the affair:

Spouses wrongly assume that talking about the details of internet infidelity will only create more upset, but it's actually the road to rebuilding intimacy.

Learning the truth brings a great sense of relief and brings sense to the person’s experience.

If they are addicted to the net, this will help the addict identify their values and formulate ideas about how honesty can be helpful to the relationship with your partner and their recovery. Have the addict be specific about setting goals for honesty.

You really need to feel you know each other inside and out - when you have an affair, you build a wall between yourself and your partner, so in order heal you have to tear that wall down.

It lets the unfaithful partner express empathy for the pain he or she caused, and it gives the injured partner a chance to communicate what he or she needs to feel okay again. Make your spouse aware of this.

Expose the affair so you can start to heal faster and timing is critical - the sooner the better.

Anxious questioning and obsessive searching for clues of continued infidelity are usually a part of rebuilding trust. If you are obsessive with facts then accept this as ok.

One wants to also expose the affair so that the couples can go for therapy: Maybe there are other issues leading up to the infidelity.

So you can rebuild trust. The cheater needs to change their behavior so the spouse has the capacity to trust again.

Also your trauma will continue until you feel secure.

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Discuss Internet Infidelity Support Group Join
Internet Chat Infidelity - a place to discuss your issues of internet infidelity as seen in Oprah Magazine September 2006 - Cheaters Beware! True Stories of Betrayal and Cybersleuthing - features my Internet infidelity support group -- a group of dedicated inspiring people in Oprah Magazine Sept. 2006

Join, its a good place to talk about your situation, help others through your experiences, to learn how to confront your spouse, to discuss what is workable, for great comfort, support and self-worth. You know your self-worth or you would not be feeling this miserable. Many success stories.

Today the greatest homegrown threat to marital bliss may be your personal computer coupled with the internet.The key factor that makes any behavior dangerous is when it has a negative impact on your life. Thus with the negative impact of the internet, we call the internet the "Relationship Breaker". Ridding your relationship of internet addiction, is not quite as simple as keying the instruction control/alt/delete into a troublesome computer.

What makes cheating easier is a lack of one's self control due to many factors. To cheat on your spouse, who you've promised to be honorable to, is to break a lifelong promise and demonstrate that you can't be trusted (because you can't keep your word). A person who can't control their urges in this regard doesn't respect their spouse, and they don't respect themselves. The internet is just more accessible and has more options available with more convenience, so it simply gets chosen more often.

The situations many times start out as: staying in touch with an old friend, internet chat rooms, playing internet games, viewing porn. Many times what happens is an emotional need is not met in your relationship and the situation escalates. Your spouse turns to the internet interest quite innocently or is it so innocent? for support, comfort and fun. They reveal their innermost thoughts, problems, hidden desires, needs and feelings to a complete stranger who listens and responds with compassion.

Even still spouses are in denial "its not an affair" or the cheater is thinking its "safe sex" its the cyber-world not the real world, no not physical perhaps emotional but the effects on the unknowing spouse are the same as cheating. Don't let them rationalize this behaviour to you. Don't let them blame you. You are in their life and a witness to the behavioral changes because of the internet's impact on their life, but it doesn't make you responsible. They would struggle with their addiction no matter whom they married or who they are with.

Most people that are married that are in chat rooms do not believe that what they're doing is a form of cheating, is a form of infidelity, at all. People don't believe their significant other will actually meet the other person. You open their email and what you see will ShOcK you. If you open their emails be prepared for what you will see, make sure you have a close friend on hand or join our support group.

Well let me tell you spouses have left their spouses and children for a complete stranger and have even gone to foreign countries. Yes they have left without even meeting the stranger literally. They base this on a picture and emails. Sadly most, do not see it coming until you have reached this web site.

Internet Infidelity Computer Tips

Short of hammering your computer to death,

my short-term solution if you have an internet cheater, is to monitor their activities on the net. Ideally you should be able to convince them that you can install the Spector recording software with their knowledge and permission.

I know many of you will say isn't this a violation of their privacy to install the software without their knowledge? Yes but it brings the affair out in the open so you can save your marriage. Sure given time one might see more signs of internet infidelity, but timing is crucial here. The more time you give your spouse to be on the net the more opportunity there is to form emotional involvement and contact for both your spouse and the Other Person. The Other Person's intent is probably to find a new spouse in most cases.

Find out what is really going on before it is too late. Many times it is very common for a cheating partner to send emails, nude pics., cards, jokes, etc. at the start. This then escalates into very explicit and sexual emails.

This is the very best software.

This will prevent them from the temptation to chat, send emails, etc. at home. This software can only be installed on a computer you own. People who have nothing to hide don't need secrecy. What should you do now?

Many couples find this a great remedy while the spouse gets through this rough phase.

Agree to install PC monitoring or filtering software so your spouse - wife, husband, boyfriend, or girlfriend - can regain trust and you have proof that they are not cheating while online. Keep the monitoring software on the computer temporarily until you feel secure. There is not set time on how long it takes to rebuild trust.

Although I recommend the Spector software to find out if they are cheating, it is imperative that both partners seek an understanding as to why his/her is behaving this way.

Internet Infidelity Destroys

One of the problems with internet addiction is that it is such a compulsive behavior and it is very difficult to get your "significant other" or spouse off of the internet. I am very sure that most couples have never even thought to talk about what is acceptable to their relationship regarding internet activities i.e. or views on porn. playing net games or chatting with someone, of the opposite sex until the situation escalates out of control. I am sure if cybersex occurs you would --wouldn't you?

Here are a few tips if you feel you are facing internet infidelity:

Don't let them use the internet if they are bored, stressed out, or mad. Minimize the usage of the internet for a specific purpose like banking. You will have to find replacements for them such as real life activities or hobbies for them to participate in.

Don't let them talk to or communicate with old school friends of the opposite sex.

Watch for dating site logins as a lot of married spouses are joining.

When you see a private email address talk to them about sharing one new email address.

Get them up and outdoors.

The one, and only, answer here is to stop internet infidelity the sooner the better but your spouse has to agree.

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It is imperative that both partners seek an understanding as to why his/her is behaving this way. Each and every one of our behaviors is designed to attain a particular goal.

Behavior is a strategy designed to achieve something. Once we have defined the undesirable behavior we need to identify the logic behind that behavior. Get them to identify the gain, and tell them why it is not in their best interest to keep this behavior.

Understanding the Cheater - "The behaviors are the visible aspect of something going wrong in an individual’s life. "

Denial plays an important role in an addict’s engagement in addiction pattern. Denial is a person’s psychological defense mechanism that enables a person to persist in engaging in a particular behavior despite obvious negative consequences. Addicts may deny they no longer have control over their addictive behavior until the consequences become so overwhelming that they no longer can ignore the problems.

Researchers writing in the current issue of the journal Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity report that many of the men and women who now spend dozens of hours each week seeking sexual stimulation from their computers deny that they have a problem and refuse to seek help until their marriages, their jobs, or both, are in jeopardy.

For some people, the route to compulsive use of the Internet for sexual satisfaction is fast and short, said Dr. Mark Schwartz of the Masters and Johnson Institute in St. Louis. 'Sex on the Net is like heroin,' he said. 'It grabs them and takes over their lives. And it's very difficult to treat because the people affected don't want to give it up.'

Those most strongly hooked on Internet sex are likely to spend hours each day masturbating to pornographic images or having 'mutual' online sex with someone contacted through a chat room.

Internet users become psychologically dependent on the feelings and experiences they get while using the Internet, and that's what makes it difficult to control or stop.

We all long for true intimacy. Many people seek to fill that void by seeking sexual relationships-whether real or fantasized-that promise to provide the relief, acceptance, and fulfillment for which they long. But it is false intimacy. And as Dr. Harry Schaumburg points out, "Sexual intimacy can't relieve their deep, unmet longings."

"You can have intimacy in your relationship only when you are honest and open about the significant things in your life. When you withhold information and keep secrets, you create walls that act as barriers to the free flow of thoughts and feelings that invigorate your relationship. But when you open up to each other, the window between you allows you to know each other in unfiltered, intimate way" quoted from the belated Shirley Glass.

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Relationship Tip of the Week
Internet Infidelity

If the signs of infidelity point to an affair, the next step is to find out if it is true. Many partners will initially deny the infidelity. You should gather all the information you can about the affair before confronting them about your suspicions.

To recover from an online affair, get your spouse off the internet. No more contacts with these Other Persons. They will usually appear confused as to what he/she wants.

If there is certain peak moments when they need to be on the net utilize this time by connecting with them. E.g. when they come home from work encourage them to join you with a glass of wine or tea, light a candle, to sit down, unwind, put some background music on, discuss -- to reconnect with you putting the whole world aside for perhaps 1/2 hr.

For certain people it's best to present them with a list of the facts about why you believe a problem is developing. Next, ask your partner what he or she thinks constitutes problematic versus recreational and agreeable online activities. Often times there will be more agreement on this than you imagine. The casual user will often respond well to this and either decrease or stop the activities. The person with more of a problem may promise the same but have trouble maintaining the agreed upon limits. Follow up and reconnect with your spouse. Good relationships take time. Don't issue ultimatums. Marriage will bring out the best or worst in all of us. If your partner is unable to keep to an agreement, then it's undeniable there is a problem -- at least one of trust. At that point a decision needs to be made as to whether to consider an assessment by a couples therapist or other mental health professional with expertise in this area.

Clearly express your views on cybersex and porn with your partner. Be specific about what you won't tolerate such as lying, secret meetings, emotional intimacy, and sharing confidences with a member of the opposite sex. Be true to your feelings and respect yourself.

Most of all you need to get them to Agree to stop and Agree to recommit. Through awareness and understanding together you can. Get them to assume responsibility for their actions.

The infidelity isn't about you at all. Its all about them. Its about them feeling special, sexy, or even wanted and needed. Read more

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