AskMaple
Internet Infidelity Advice Expert
Submit your Request -- any question or send me your stories on internet infidelity - I will always have an answer. Be prepared for upfront and direct answers.

I have helped others with internet infidelity for nearly a decade.

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Pause and Consider
I wanted to point out that most of the subject of internet (or any) infidelity is considered under the umbrella of a marriage. I would like to see how many relationships are ruined before they sign the marital contract, by the same reasons. Many are ruined by internet cheating, and, finding out internet cheating prior to make that final commitment, it was the reason why many don't commit and break up. It is not only the consummated marriages that is ruined, but also, all the potential good opportunities. Besides, many relationships nowadays begin through the internet, with the intention of making them into a long term committed relationship. However, there seems to be always one of the two who 'insists' on keeping the internet game up, if nothing else, out of an addictive process. It is not only the marriage destruction. Destruction occurs even before that step is taken. One person doesn't need to be married to feel the commitment (in fact, the commitment is felt prior to marrying, otherwise, you wouldn't be marrying them), and another person doesn't need to be married to break a moral, loving and declared commitment even before the papers are signed.

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Help for Cybersex Addicts and
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Ebehavior / Center For Online Addiction

Workbooks and Exercises for those struggling with the affects of cyberporn and cybersex addictions

Today the greatest homegrown threat to marital bliss may be your personal computer coupled with the internet.The key factor that makes any behavior dangerous is when it has a negative impact on your life. Thus with the negative impact of the internet, we call the internet the "Relationship Breaker". Ridding your relationship of internet addiction, is not quite as simple as keying the instruction control/alt/delete into a troublesome computer.

What makes cheating easier is a lack of one's self control due to many factors. To cheat on your spouse, who you've promised to be honorable to, is to break a lifelong promise and demonstrate that you can't be trusted (because you can't keep your word). A person who can't control their urges in this regard doesn't respect their spouse, and they don't respect themselves. The internet is just more accessible and has more options available with more convenience, so it simply gets chosen more often.

The situations many times start out as: staying in touch with an old friend, internet chat rooms, playing internet games, viewing porn. Many times what happens is an emotional need is not met in your relationship and the situation escalates. Your spouse turns to the internet interest quite innocently or is it so innocent? for support, comfort and fun. They reveal their innermost thoughts, problems, hidden desires, needs and feelings to a complete stranger who listens and responds with compassion and interest. They tell the other person they are getting a divorce or that their relationship/marriage is terrible or even that they are single.

Most people that are married that are in chat rooms do not believe that what they're doing is a form of cheating, is a form of infidelity, at all. Some individuals tell me if they had told their spouse about the flirting that it might even be okay. WHAT! People don't believe their significant other will actually meet the other person. You open their email and what you see will ShOcK you. If you open their emails be prepared for what you will see, make sure you have a close friend on hand or join a support group. Their emails make you numb.

Let me tell you spouses have left their spouses and children for a complete stranger and have even gone to foreign countries. Yes they have left without even meeting the stranger literally. They base this on a picture and emails. Sadly most, do not see it coming until you have reached this web site.

Internet Infidelity Computer Tips

Short of hammering your computer to death,

my short-term solution if you have an internet cheater, is to monitor their activities on the net. Ideally you should be able to convince them that you can install the Sniperspy recording software with their knowledge and permission. If they have nothing to hide what are they afraid of?

I know many of you will say isn't this a violation of their privacy to install the software without their knowledge? Yes but it brings the affair out in the open so you can save your marriage. Sure given time one might see more signs of internet infidelity, but timing is crucial here. The more time you give your spouse to be on the net the more opportunity there is to form emotional involvement and contact for both your spouse and the Other Person. The Other Person's intent is probably to find a new spouse in most cases. They do not care about you.

Find out what is really going on before it is too late. Many times it is very common for a cheating partner to send emails, nude pics., cards, jokes, etc. at the start. This then escalates into very explicit and sexual emails.

This is the very best software.

This will prevent them from the temptation to chat, send emails, etc. at home. This software can only be installed on a computer you own. People who have nothing to hide don't need secrecy. What should you do now?

Many couples find this a great remedy while the spouse gets through this rough phase.

Agree to install PC monitoring or filtering software so your spouse - wife, husband, boyfriend, or girlfriend - can regain trust and you have proof that they are not cheating while online. Keep the monitoring software on the computer temporarily until you feel secure. There is no set time on how long it takes to rebuild trust.

Although I recommend the Sniperspy software to find out if they are cheating, it is imperative that both partners seek an understanding as to why his/her is behaving this way.
click here: Sniperspy recording software

Internet Infidelity Destroys

One of the problems with internet addiction is that it is such a compulsive behavior and it is very difficult to get your "significant other" or spouse off of the internet. I am very sure that most couples have never even thought to talk about what is acceptable to their relationship regarding internet activities i.e. or views on porn, playing net games or chatting with someone, of the opposite sex until the situation escalates out of control. I am sure if cybersex occurs you would --wouldn't you?

Here are a few tips if you feel you are facing internet infidelity:

Don't let them use the internet if they are bored, stressed out, or mad. Minimize the usage of the internet for a specific purpose like banking. You will have to find replacements for them such as real life activities or hobbies for them to participate in. If they are mad they will go directly back to the other person for comfort. The other person is giving them emotional support.

Don't let them talk to or communicate with old school friends of the opposite sex.

Watch for dating site, chat rooms and same sex logins as a lot of married spouses are joining. One common site is Paltalk - they can actually view live sex on their free by signing up. There is a ton of single women in there looking for a man. Also they can post free ads in Craigslist.org.

When you see a private email address talk to them about sharing one new email address.

Get them up and outdoors.

The one, and only, answer here is to stop internet infidelity the sooner the better but your spouse has to agree.

It is imperative that both partners seek an understanding as to why his/her is behaving this way. Each and every one of our behaviors is designed to attain a particular goal.

Behavior is a strategy designed to achieve something. Once we have defined the undesirable behavior we need to identify the logic behind that behavior. Get them to identify the gain, and tell them why it is not in their best interest to keep this behavior.

Understanding the Cheater - "The behaviors are the visible aspect of something going wrong in an individual’s life. "

Denial plays an important role in an addict’s engagement in addiction pattern. Denial is a person’s psychological defense mechanism that enables a person to persist in engaging in a particular behavior despite obvious negative consequences. Addicts may deny they no longer have control over their addictive behavior until the consequences become so overwhelming that they no longer can ignore the problems.

Researchers writing in the current issue of the journal Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity report that many of the men and women who now spend dozens of hours each week seeking sexual stimulation from their computers deny that they have a problem and refuse to seek help until their marriages, their jobs, or both, are in jeopardy.

For some people, the route to compulsive use of the Internet for sexual satisfaction is fast and short, said Dr. Mark Schwartz of the Masters and Johnson Institute in St. Louis. 'Sex on the Net is like heroin,' he said. 'It grabs them and takes over their lives. And it's very difficult to treat because the people affected don't want to give it up.'

When moments go bad in their life they go right back on the net destroying their relationship if they get caught.

Those most strongly hooked on Internet sex are likely to spend hours each day masturbating to pornographic images or having 'mutual' online sex with someone contacted through a chat room. They convince their spouse porn is okay.

Internet users become psychologically dependent on the feelings and experiences they get while using the Internet, and that's what makes it difficult to control or stop.

We all long for true intimacy. Many people seek to fill that void by seeking sexual relationships-whether real or fantasized-that promise to provide the relief, acceptance, and fulfillment for which they long. But it is false intimacy. And as Dr. Harry Schaumburg points out, "Sexual intimacy can't relieve their deep, unmet longings."

"You can have intimacy in your relationship only when you are honest, truthful, no more secrets and open about the significant things in your life. When you withhold information and keep secrets, you create walls that act as a barricade to the free flow of thoughts and feelings that invigorate your relationship. But when you open up to each other, the window between you allows you to know each other with nothing standing between you intimate way.

Relationship Tip of the Week
Internet Infidelity

If the signs of infidelity point to an affair, the next step is to find out if it is true. Many partners will initially deny the infidelity. You should gather all the information you can about the affair before confronting them about your suspicions.

To recover from an online affair, get your spouse off the internet. No more contacts with these Other Persons. They will usually appear confused as to what he/she wants.

If there is certain peak moments when they need to be on the net utilize this time by connecting with them. E.g. when they come home from work encourage them to join you with a glass of wine or tea, light a candle, to sit down, unwind, put some background music on, discuss -- to reconnect with you putting the whole world aside for perhaps 1/2 hr.

For certain people it's best to present them with a list of the facts about why you believe a problem is developing. Next, ask your partner what he or she thinks constitutes problematic versus recreational and agreeable online activities. Often times there will be more agreement on this than you imagine. The casual user will often respond well to this and either decrease or stop the activities. The person with more of a problem may promise the same but have trouble maintaining the agreed upon limits. Try the what if the shoe was on the other foot effect. Follow up and reconnect with your spouse. Good relationships take time. Don't issue ultimatums. Marriage will bring out the best or worst in all of us. If your partner is unable to keep to an agreement, then it's undeniable there is a problem -- at least one of trust. At that point a decision needs to be made as to whether to consider an assessment by a couples therapist or other mental health professional with expertise in this area.

Clearly express your views on cybersex and porn with your partner. Be specific about what you won't tolerate such as lying, secret meetings, emotional intimacy, camming, and sharing confidences with a member of the opposite sex. Be true to your feelings and respect yourself.

Most of all you need to get them to Agree to stop and Agree to recommit. Through awareness and understanding together you can. Get them to assume responsibility for their actions.

The infidelity isn't about you at all. Its all about them. Its about them feeling special, sexy, or even wanted and needed.

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