| Dear
Maple: I am a
26 yr. old female. I've been with my boyfriend for about 7 years off and on again
but recently I've started behaving in ways that I don't even understand. I easily
get angry and have hit him before. I am a very insecure person with low self-esteem,
although when I look at myself in the mirror, I believe that I am an attractive
person. The last fight my boyfriend and I had was last week. We went out and I
did have a few drinks, which is another problem I have. I wasn't feeling drunk,
and I knew what I was doing. I decided to look through his cell phone and listen
to his messages. (I'm always thinking that there might be someone else in his
life). I heard a girl's message telling him that she was sorry she missed his
call and that she would try him again. This made me furious. I began asking him
about it and when he would act like I'm the one overreacting I began to hit him.
Then I proceeded to break up with him. The next couple of days, I began practically
begging for him to take me back because I was and am so sorry about what I had
done. This is not the first time we break up like this the last 2 weekends before
this it happened almost exactly the same way except I didn't hit him. Please help
me, I do love my boyfriend so much. I don't want to lose him. He has accepted
to take me back, but I'm still so scared about making a stupid mistake again.
I feel like I don't have control over my actions. Please help me. Thank you Noel
A.
I think you need to get control of your temper before it destroys you. Did one
of your parents have a bad temper? You need to cool down before you react. So
take a deep breath and don't react immediately. Just let it be -- sleep on disturbing
reactions especially when you are drinking and everything will be fine in the
AM. You are responsible for your life. If you feel out of control pls. get counseling.
If you are having problems, then don't drink. Drinking only intensifies the problem
and makes you madder.
Have a look at Anger
Management please. You can start tomorrow on this self-help Anger workbook.
Jealousy is a
whole bundle of feelings that tend to get lumped together. Jealousy can manifest
as depression, feeling powerless, loneliness,envy,anger,feeling left out, hurt,
anxiety, betrayal. It is crucial to understand what jealousy is and what it is
about. Jealousy is about fear--fear of the unknown and of change, fear of losing
power or control in a relationship, fear of scarcity and of loss, and fear of
abandonment. It is a reflection of our own insecurity about our worthiness, anxiety
about being adequate as a lover, and doubts about our desirability. A
little jealousy is okay. Being jealous about other men doesn't go very far-- what's
there to be jealous of? We all have our good and bad merits. Either he is the
one for you or he isn't. There will always be someone more attractive but do they
have substance? If he really wants you -- he won't make you jealous. When you
communicate together with openness you should address this issue --why he wants
to make you jealous and perhaps he can assure you there is nothing to fear. Tell
him these woman on his pager make you jealous or mad and to stop it! If you didn't
care for him in the slightest, you wouldn't be jealous. Seven years seems to be
a long term. With the issues of anger or rage he may be scared to commit further.
A person would only hit me once and it would be over. There would be no second
chances. So don't overreact and let the situation get out of control whereas you
have to feel sorry. Becoming aware of your annoyance urges you to do something
about it. Jealousy is a self-defeating emotion that can drive away the love we
crave. Realize you are the one overreacting. Jealousy
for those who can not control it eats away at the core of the relationship in
the one thing that holds it together -- trust. Try establishing some general guidelines
with your partner i.e.. what is acceptable and what is not.
Ensure that you
deal with what is really occurring -- not what is perceived to be.
Respect
yourself. Realize he chose you for your uniqueness. Your every bit as good if
not better than those other girls. Remember that trust is the foundation of any
relationship, and you shouldn't let his insecurities destroy yours. Stop
and think what triggers the jealousy exactly? Also keep in mind jealousy can be
a pattern from when you were younger. Be gentle, easy on yourself and discuss
the situations when they trigger calmly with your partner. If your partner doesn't
think they are important, discuss the situation with friends for a reality check,
join a group and get their views. Have
self-confidence. If you feel you don't measure up to others this is a good time
to work on yourself. Self-confidence comes from: Thinking
Positive
Work on you, take self-esteem courses if you need to, etc.
Exercise
(not necessarily sports as they can kill your confidence)
The Way you Dress
-- i.e. you feel and look great Give
and Receive (treat others as you expect to be treated) even if you get nothing
back. Give what you want. If you want more cooperation and respect, give respect
and cooperate. If you want to succeed, help others succeed. If you want more joy,
be more joyful. And be open to giving to yourself. Honor your own worthiness to
receive or no one else will. When we circulate our positive energy, we create
more and more to enjoy.
Giving is good as long as you do not let others take
advantage of you. Surround
yourself with good people.
Set goals and meet them.
Managing your jealousy
begins with the acknowledgment that you are jealous. Repression or denial may
only make things worse. Stop debating whether the feeling is good or bad. Accept
it as your emotional reality and go from there. Accept
that your feelings of insecurity will not go away overnight. They are something
you are going to have to work on. Look at them rather like you would look at an
.... addiction to cigarettes - you have to work at stopping. Try
to be your unique self. Don't compare yourself to others. We
all need to boost our self-confidence in different ways and for different reasons.
The trick is to find out where you need to improve and then go out and do just
that. When you have faith in yourself, life makes more and more sense, and seems
increasingly like something you can tackle. Most of all self-confidence takes
time.
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