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affairs are triangles. Are you caught up in a love triangle not sure of which
way to go?
Send us your stories and we will try to help you. Here are some
fast answers.
Dear
Maple:I had an affair
with a man I met around 3 weeks ago. He is in a relationship with a woman right
now, but he says that he want to keep our "thing" going. My husband
and I are on shakey ground due to him not working and complains about he is disabled
but yet he drives and do just about anything he wants but WORK! I am currently
employed and I have to take care of him and my 2 babies. When I decided to have
the affair, I was looking for an outlet. But now I am not too sure. I know that
this is a sexual thing and he told me that he don't want anyone else making love
to me but him and my husband. It sounds a bit strange considering he is in a relationship
himself. I dig this guy but yet I am a little confused about continuing our relationship.
Help me because I am losing my mind. Tee
The
Three Symptoms of Affair Withdrawal
Dr. Frank Gunzburg
When
you end the affair, you might get a feeling of “withdrawal.” As I stated
above, being in an affair is a lot like being addicted to a drug. This means that
when you end the affair you will have to go through the uncomfortable experience
of withdrawal before you can be “clean” again. There
are three major emotional symptoms of affair withdrawal: anger, anxiety, and depression.
Why you might have these emotions should be fairly self-explanatory at this point. You
can expect to have intense withdrawal symptoms for about three weeks. You may
continue to feel some symptoms for up to six months, but they should gradually
diminish in intensity and frequency over this time period. During
this time, you are in a vulnerable position. Like an addict, you might be tempted
to use your favorite drug again. You might be tempted to contact your lover again
to help calm the force of your withdrawal symptoms. Doing
so is a little bit like a heroin addict in recovery who says they are “just
going to do a little hit to make the pain go away.” This is clearly a terrible
idea. If you do this, it is likely you will be tempted to start using again, end
up back in the affair, and undo all the difficult work you have done up to this
point. Do not,
I repeat, do not attempt to contact your lover. This will destroy your relationship. Instead,
reinvest in repairing your relationship. This is liable to be difficult as well,
particularly if you have just informed your partner about the affair. If you are
talking to your partner at all, it is likely that your communication is negative
and difficult. It is unlikely that you will be getting a great deal of positive
feedback from your partner at this point and this is bound to make you feel emotionally
disconnected. This could worsen your withdrawal symptoms. If
you feel that you have had your needs met in this affair in a way that they haven’t
been met in your relationship, there is going to be a time when you need to address
those problems with your partner. That time isn’t now. I say this here to
help you have hope that you can get what you need out of your relationship and
not feel compelled to continue going outside it to fulfill those needs. Remember
that you are going through this painful time for a reason: you want to heal your
relationship. You can look at this difficult period as a necessary step to straightening
out the mess you have made of your relationship. Like an addict, there may be
a period of time in which you suffer. Going through that is the first step to
putting your life back on the right course. Keep
in mind that when you maintain the course of recovery through this rough period,
the reward is a relationship that is better than you ever dreamed. Use the strategies
you have learned up to this point to overcome your negative feelings, and hang
tight in your determination to rebuild your relationship. Your efforts will pay
off. None of this
will be easy. You will likely face quite a lot of emotional difficulty when you
end the affair. Nonetheless, it is necessary to face this pain in order to restore
your relationship. Click
Here - Surviving
an Affair
Q.
Dear Maple: I am a 29 year old female who I guess you could say out of
loneliness and feeling of being undesired entered into an affair. I am in Washington
State and he was from Vegas...... He came here the first time and since we weren't
being intimate he stayed at our home. Well he ended up getting along great with
my husband so since they they have become friends. I had gone to Vegas several
times and him here until we finally became intimate. However horrid this sounds
he has now moved into our home. It's no longer a affair but more like carrying
on two relationships. My husband has no idea and everyday I wake up trying to
figure out how I managed to do this. The "other man" is a sweet guy
but I have more then decided I want to end it.. It's just not that simple... I
have been to his families house in Vegas and his whole family knows nothing about
my other life... they all think I will eventually be a part of their family, even
send me birthday cards and such. They now want to come visit since there son lives
here..... I just want to be done with this. I love his family after knowing them
for so long... what do I do? how do I end this all????? Mel. Update:
Me and Mel talked about her relationship with her husband. She knows in her heart
this is the man she wants to be with and that it can not work out with the other
man. Mel has asked the man to leave immediately and is now working on her relationship.
It’s
important to realize that certain impulsive reactions from you could push your
partner to leave the marriage. Don’t blast him (or her) with questions. Don’t
overpower him with rage.Yes, you may feel justified to act in these ways but be
careful with behaviors that could shatter your chances for marital recovery. You
can shoot yourself in the foot if you do the wrong thing now. Keep your spouse
from Bolting & Buy Time to Improve Your Marriage.
Click
Here
Q.
Dear Maple:.I have been seeing this married man for almost 1 year and his
wife moved out 2 days ago and that is all he talks about. I have told him that
if he wants her back to just tell her and let me go. I love him with all my heart
but I do not know what to do. He says I try to be his mother since they have split
up and I am not I just worry about him. So I guess what I am trying to get to
is does he really want me or does he want his wife back. The pain that I put myself
through is killing me. Please help me. Judy
A.
Judy - He will have to resolve his marriage problems for himself. That
is between him and his wife. They made a marriage covenant and until it is dissolved
you have to leave them alone. So you have to give him space and time. It is his
crisis and he created it. Don't delude yourself this isn't an easy process. If
he should leave his wife I would truly try to find out why he had the affair.
He will also suffer guilt issues. Maybe he would still have more unresolved issues.
Is he a master of deceit? I would really question myself for being with a married
man who has no moral values and no integrity. Is this the type of person you really
want?
Most people
who enter into affairs with married people are always going to get heartbreak.
So don't wait to see. I hope you learn from this lesson -- it just isn't worth
it. Try to figure out why you were drawn to the lure of a married man. Take care
of yourself. Get into your own individual therapy to get to the roots of your
susceptible attraction to the "false" intimacy of a love triangle. Consider
your reasons for being attracted to a man who is unavailable to you and who you
have to "win" to have in your life. Accept your responsibility in creating
this predicament. Take action to correct your own involvement in hurting others
as well as yourself. You have to assume responsibility for your own pain. Affairs
cause everyone shame. AskMaple
Here's
how to make the best decision possible about whether to Stay together or Go! Don't
Make The Same Mistake Most People Make When They're in an Unhappy Relationship...
This is not an easy decision to make and you owe it to yourself and this relationship
to make absolutely sure you have all the information you need to make the best
decision possible.
Stay
or Go -click here
Your
partner is not there to meet all your needs. If he/she says no, it doesn't mean
he/she doesn't love you. Some demands may be impossible to fulfill. It is not
your partner's job to make you happy. Your partner is here to teach you how to
grow and share.You must learn to make yourself happy, and make others happy as
well. Love is based upon communicating, consideration and giving - Read
More.......
Q.
Dear Maple: I need your help please I am friends with this guy. He calls
me everyday we have had sex a couple times. We both married and all of us are
friends and we visit one another when we can. I talk to him everyday and sometimes
on the phone he seems like he wants to tell me something, there are times he seems
sad and depressed. I have tried a few times to try to get him to open up too me
and tell me what's wrong or why he so sad but he denies it and acts like nothing
wrong with him. I can tell he's covering it up. I would really like to help him
out and get him to talk instead of holding his feelings inside. What could be
wrong with him, is he sad cause we both married and he wants to be with me or
cause he's unhappy with his marriage and seem to cant leave it. How can I get
him to talk let me know we already keeping our little sex life a secret from everyone.
I'm sure it won't hurt him to talk to me let me know what he feeing. I just wish
he would say I love you and want to be with you or I hate you and don't think
we should be friends anymore. Him saying that and letting me know would help me
out a lot. The problem is I don't know how to find out what he really thinking.
Please help me and let me know what to do. Thank you so much, Kristal.
A.
Kristal: I think he should be perfectly honest with himself
firstly. Perhaps he is wrestling with his own feelings and caught in "I don't
know what to do" situation. Maybe he is just in it for the sex. If he doesn't
open up to you he doesn't feel emotional to you. Only ten percent of unfaithful
spouses actually marry the affair partner, and most of these marriages (about
seventy five percent) end in divorce.
Q.
Dear Maple: I became friends with this girl 2 years ago when I had a girlfriend
too but I wasn't living at home during that time. My friend and I became close
and ended up taking things further like sex. I have moved back home and married
my girlfriend and now I'm finding my self wanting to be close to my friend that
I left behind in another state. I call her more than I do my own wife - I can't
get her out of my head and can't stop thinking about her I even find myself wanting
to be with her and have sex with her again. What can I do and why am I having
these feelings towards her and not my wife. Please help me. Lance
A. Lance:
You can only work on one relationship at a time so lets
focus on that one. Most people set a deadline to their relationship, one affair
will surpass the deadline and end the relationship right away, and they won't
accept any explanation, apology or give them another chance. While it is natural
for people to have occasional thoughts that they could be happier with someone
else, I would encourage you to challenge them. Before you rush to end a current
relationship, think of this: "Choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems."
If you give up one partner for another, you may simply get a new set of problems.
I say this not to be negative about marriage, but to be realistic about human
beings.
Second
marriages come packed with a lot of their own problems, and that no one gets to
have a life that is any richer than the life they work to build for themselves.
If you need Professional Advice I highly recommend reading Dr. Atwood's latest
advice for cheating spouses: click
here.
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caught in a love triangle
