Q.
Maple: I'm
a married man and have had an affair about four years ago, my wife and I worked
through it and stayed married. But I still find myself flirting with other women
and having conversations that I know are not appropriate. I haven't slept with
anyone, but know that if I don't control myself I could loose my wife and I don't
want that. I'm so nervous, and uptight because lately a female friend of mine
were e-mailing back and forth were found out by her husband. The emails were of
explicit talk, but that's was all. We have never done anything. I am afraid of
my wife finding out. What can I do? I might have a casual encounter and I want
to avoid a scandal.. Can you please offer me any advice? MG | Obviously
you want to be caught | |
A.
MG: People who engage in risky behavior almost always want to get caught. Did
you feel there was a problem in your relationship or is the problem yourself?
Couples have to both work very hard at building a new relationship. This is by
continued communication and problem-solving skills. Many times couples do not
know how to identify, articulate, and assert their primary needs.
There are so many reasons for cheating. Infidelity isn't always about your wife.
Many times individuals have unresolved family trauma from their past. Some times
its about admiration or ego or self-esteem or unmet needs, or boredom. Other times
it is about greed and vanity. One of the main reasons is that the other person
makes you feel good about yourself. The wife doesn't see us as unblemished as
the stranger does.
I don't think she made it clear enough about the repercussions
of a second affair. Was the first affair a short affair? Why do you feel you did
it? Deceit never works and only draws the couple further apart. What you fear
you create. Whats the gain?
Many times one has to get beyond the primary reasons
for affairs and examine the marriage. Stop playing games. Either you are 100%
in a relationship or you are not. Do you know what a healthy relationship is?
Figure out what you want and behave your way to success. Put all your emotional
energy into your current relationship. Affairs are a betrayal of the self.
If your affair is exposed, think of all the destruction not only to your family
but to the other person's family.
At this point I would suggest a marriage counselor.
Q.
Dear Maple: My
husband has a laptop computer he takes with him to work for his own private use.
He doesn't use the computer on the job. He has cheated in the past and I am worried
about it reoccurring. Is there any software program I can install on his computer
without him suspecting? Denise
A. Yes
get the
Sniperspy - Remote Computer and Monitoring Software which can be installed
by sending an email which they open if you do not have access to their computer.
If you have access to the computer then you can just download this software from
the web site. This program will also send you a copy to your email address if
you wish. This is the
very best software I have ever seen for internet infidelity. Even if they may
not be involved in internet infidelity, they still may send cards or emails to
their affair partner.You can only use this program on a computer you or your husband
own otherwise it is illegal. If the laptop belongs to his employer then no you
can not install this monitoring software.
Q.
Dear Maple:
In 2001
I was separated from my wife. I had numerous issues during our 18 yr. marriage.
Early on she cheated. It was a one time fling. I loved her very much but she was
an insatiable flirt and carefree with our money etc. To this day I still love
her. She is struggling in life, has not moved on, has a difficult time paying
her bills etc. I in turn found someone fell in love etc. my relationship has suffered
as well because I can not seem to move on knowing my ex is still struggling. We
have two daughters. The whole thing is beyond words. This is a readers digest
version of it all. I have bounced back and forth between the two women. Trying
to console my ex and help her when I can and trying to maintain my relationship
with my girlfriend. It is all unbearable. My daughters love my girlfriend and
love there mother. It is one big mixed up mess. Any thoughts ? Michael
A.
Michael, it sounds like she just hasn't gotten the message yet. Are you
sending her mixed messages? It doesn't seem to me you are. It is more like she
is in shock and denial and that you will come back. She could also feel really
bad and in disbelief-- be in limbo that how can this happen to me. Three years
sure seems like a long time though. I think she would know you are involved with
some one through your children. Perhaps in the new year, sit down alone and have
a chat with her. Does she have good friends she can depend on? If she needs to
work help her with her resume. If she doesn't feel confident with her appearance
- get her started at the gymn.Tell her you have no plans to go back to her and
she needs to move on. She also needs to work on getting her financial situation
back in place. Many times when people loose their jobs or loved ones, everything
seems so destroyed for them and they completely let all their responsibilities
go. When you choose the behavior you choose the consequence. I don't know if you
are helping her financially also -- that could be a part of her being so irresponsible.
You seem very kind and I wonder if she isn't using that trying to pull your strings?
Does she seem depressed -- you mentioned you have to console her. Address the
situation with her alone -- not in front of your children. When they don't seem
to let go it must cause you a lot of guilt also. I think if you got a divorce
then she would realize she has to move on. I know it is hard and overwhelming
to move on but if she can just take that first step. There is life after marriage.
Perhaps she needs to go for professional counseling to get herself together. I
think it would work wonders. I'm glad you have a deep compassion for her as she
does need support from family and friends. Best
wishes -
AskMaple
| 
AskMaple-are
you married and cheating? caught in a triangle? Are you cheating with a married
man
