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When
Someone You Love is into Pornography
Often times when you are in the middle of a crisis you can't see clearly enough
to know what your next step needs to be. The following 10 steps will allow 1.
It's not your fault!
Your loved one's porn addiction has nothing to do with you. You didn't cause
it. It isn't because you're not thin enough or pretty enough. It isn't because
you're not sexy or handsome enough. It isn't because of anything you did or didn't
do. So don't blame yourself. There is nothing wrong with you!
2.
Seek help for yourself. Reach out for support. You can join a 12-
step group. Look into getting counseling. It's important to figure out how to
take care of yourself during this difficult time. It's important to work on your
own issues. You
will need to find the strength to heal your own shame, pain and loneliness. You
will need a plan on how to get through this situation. Trustworthy professionals
provide comfort, encouragement and most of all perspective. 3.
Pray. I believe
in prayer. It's another form of support. It will keep you positive,
give you
hope. You may be tempted to tell God about your big problem. Instead
tell
your problem about your big God. Pray for direction. Pray for peace. Pray for
patience.
4. Confront your loved one.
Ask questions and offer support. Do it without attack. Be bold, be gentle and
be honest. Seek to understand in spite of your pain. Be prepared to listen. Do
you hear a willingness to change? 5.
Require your partner or spouse to get help and support.
An addict can't change without help. Help means a counselor, an accountability
partner and a support group. Porn
is used to numb past and present pain. Addicts have unhealed childhood trauma.
Porn is used to escape negative feelings such as self hatred, shame, and depression.
With help other ways of coping will can found.
There is no way someone can heal lone. No way. Don't kid yourself. If
that
were the case porn wouldn't be a problem. Realize that if an addict refuses to
reach out for help change will be impossible.
With support healthy relationships are established and intimacy is learned.
Intimacy is allowing others to see who you really are. Intimacy is about heart
connections. When one knows intimacy porn is no longer needed to numb out
the difficulties of everyday life.
6. Establish
healthy boundaries. What decisions do you need to be made to
protect yourself? Do you want to stay in the relationship if there is no change?
Refuse to cover up for the other's addiction. It won't work. Stand
up for yourself and become 100 % responsible for your life and role in the relationship.
Feel your pain. Share your feelings with sincerity and love.
7.
Forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive your loved one. Forgiveness
isn't condoning the behavior. Forgiveness is refusing to get revenge. This is
difficult to do. Ask God for help. 8.
Controlling another isn't an option.
It's not an option because it's impossible. Trying to control someone's behavior
is a trap. Porn can be found everywhere. It's impossible to get away from it.
You can take away a computer and a television but that won't keep an addict form
porn. A person
addicted to porn has to heal his mind, body and soul. When that happens porn will
no longer be an issue. Until that happens porn will always be an issue.
All the nagging in the world won't work. Checking up on an addict won't work.
Porn filters won't work. Asking for God's help will work. Focusing on your
own
issues will work. 9.
Learn patience.
Recovery is a process. Recovery is work. It won't happen
over night. There
will be set backs. There will be relapses. There will be ups and downs. Expect
them. Learn to deal with them. If you are both working on your own issues and
moving forward eventually you will find peace. 10.
Expect a miracle. Have
faith. Never give up. Give encouragement and hope. In the end if you don't heal
your current relationship it doesn't mean you have failed. It means God has other
plans for both of you! Tess
Marshall is a licensed psychologist with a master's degree in counseling psychology
and specialty in addictions. Her mission is to help people live free from porn
addiction. "Kick Porn: Spiritual Power Practices For New Life" can be
found on her website www.KickPorn.com
and www.KickPornBlog.com.
Please note: The suggestions
and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in
the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or
someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact
your local emergency 911 or a Counselor nearby
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