Pregnancy and Infidelity

Q. Hi! my name is Samantha. I have been with my boyfriend for going on 4 years, I think now because I am pregnant he has lost interest in me. He doesn't show hardly no kinds of affection, we haven't had sex going on two months now, and I find emails that he he sent to another girl(from another state), but my problem with that is he cheated on me before with someone he meet on the internet so i'm very uptight with that. When I bring it to him he say's he be tired when we go to bed so he don't be in the mood. I also tell him that I hardly know him anymore and half of the time I don't trust him either.Please help.

Q.I just recently found out that my boyfriend/child's father of 3 years and fiancee of year had been cheating on me for about 1 year. He says it was completely just sexual between them. I suspected and repeatedly asked him over and over was he cheating. He finally told me that he had and that the result of the affair was she got pregnant. They both discussed that they did not want anymore kids (she had 2 already) and that she would get an abortion. However after talking to her friends and family she decided that she would keep the baby. We talked about it and he let her know up front that he would not be with her and only be there for the child and I decided to stay with him. He said that he would not go back to her and that he wanted what he had already a family. That he made a stupid mistake and now he is paying for it but he could not be with her in any kind of way.
Now that I have agreed to stay and stick by him, I am having second thoughts. Like I should have left when I first found out. Now I am pregnant, depressed, crying 6 out of 7 days, stressed and always second guessing whether he is telling me the truth. How do I get to the point of not crying and trying to move forward in the relationship. Hurt and confused.

Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. Last October, I found out that he was cheating, because I found a pair of underwear in his closet. When I confronted him he denied it at first, but then admitted it. I took him back and we moved in together this August. At that time I was also 8 months pregnant with his son. Since I've moved in he goes out 3-4 times a week until 4 in the morning with no explanation. When I ask where he's going he tells me to stop questioning him and that he'll be back. A month ago I found another pair of womens underwears in his closet. A friend also told me that they think they may have seen him recently kissing a girl. When I confronted him about it calmly, he was very angry and he never answered me. He told me that he was not my child and I should not question him. He reacted as if I did something wrong. Also he has been searching online websites for "online booty calls"...and he also has a "black book" of girls that he's met from a chatline. I have found movies stubs for two people and I've overheard some suspicious phone conversations. Even with all this he will not admit that he is cheating again. I'm in a situation where I can't physically leave him because I have nowhere else to go. And honestly I still want to be with him, because some how I think there's something I can do to make him stop cheating. Like there's something wrong with me that makes him continue to cheat. What should I do? Am I wrong for thinking there's something wrong with me? Yasmine

A. Answers to all Three: I suggest you sit down, have a heart-to-heart talk with him and address these issues. Shut off the TV and all interruptions. Be firm with him, (not mad), be calm, remain neutral, his behaviour is unacceptable and tell him you/he will leave if it ever happens again (whether or not you really intend to or not). Read about setting boundaries.

If he isn't able to make a life long commitment to your relationship then you are going to have to look at making a decision. Ask him what he wants? What is he missing in this relationship? What needs are not being met? Ask him if he wants to work on it? If he does, he has to be faifthful for starters. Tell him If he cheats again he is out the door and there will be no questions asked. You have to find out why they cheated. Until you do you won't be able to put the past behind you and move on. You also will not be able to prevent this from happening again.
Once you're on the road to understanding why things went wrong, you have to make changes to your relationship. Basically, if nothing changes, your partner will probably stray again.

Can you effectively communicate with him? Obviously his angry outbursts do not work. Make him aware of this. Tell him to go out and cool off. Stop. He will have to cool off then continue some other time.

You need to heal our marriage first and then to work together with your spouse to face the consequences of the damage that had been done thru i.e. dishonesty and infidelity.

If you currently have children that know keep in mind as a set of parents you are their role model.

If you spouse really loves you and can agree to recommit then you can select honest decisions which have to be communicated. Since your husband doesn't want the other woman and doesn't want a divorce I would advise you to stay in your marriage or relationship.

Of course there will be decisions about the child and the other person.

You have two priorities right now, each of equal importance. Your marriage and your baby. I don't include you as a priority because if both of these elements are in tune, everything else will fall into place. Concentrate on your baby right now.

If you are pregnant get a STD test. He is jeopardizing your child's life as well.

Q. My spouse is having an affair, emotional for 3 years. I found out told the mother of the other woman.He has now decided he wants to be with her as he is in love with her. He says he never loved me and does not want to work on our marriage. I am 7 months pregnant and refuse to give up. He has not moved out as yet..says he is waiting till the baby is born. He goes and comes between the two homes. I want to work on rebuilding my marriage. Where do I begin.

A. I am sorry to hear about your predicament. Your feelings of betrayal and resentment must be immense.

Concentrate on having your baby right now. Just be kind as much you can be. I know it is hard many times. Keep the lines of communication open.

When you are ready to discuss this with him calmly, ask him why he had the affair (not the exact details of the affair). When you are talking with him, ask him if he is willing to go to counseling together to try to understand why the affair came about and work out some of the resentments that have built up between you. Perhaps he is what I will term running away from himself. If he refuses to go with you ask him if he is willing to go alone. It's possible that he's having some sort of identity crisis and needs to get himself together. Cheating is not only a problem, but a symptom of a problem in your marriage. He may not at first be willing. Have him reflect on this thought. He can easily divorce you, and even marry the "other woman". That may take a year or so. Then, it will take another year or so before the grass isn't greener and true growth begins. At that point, he will realize that relationship #2 is not much different than relationship #1. While he will then wonder what might have happened if he had tried with you, it will be too late. However, it is not too late now. A 3-month period of marriage counseling will tell him either that your relationship will not work, or that happiness has been under his nose all along. Either way, he has nothing to lose.

Get some support to see you through this from close friends and family or our group -- no matter which way it ends up going. Don't feel like you have to rush right out to a lawyer, because you probably have a lot of things to think about before you make this sort of move.

Look after yourself right now and after the baby arrives.You need to nurture yourself if you are feeling down. It might be to pamper yourself in some good way, like if you love music, play some music. If you like to take a hot bubble bath, treat yourself to that. Remember, we live life one moment at a time.

Best Wishes, AskMaple