Regaining Trust After an Affair

Regaining Trust after an Affair

I receive numerous letters regarding the restoration of trust. This seems to be a fairly common problem in marriage. When one spouse has been unfaithful or dishonest, how is trust restored?

I think this depends upon the length of the marriage as well as the number of times trust has been challenged. We all make mistakes. We tend to categorize offenses. We say that an affair is more offensive than a lie, a lie is more offensive than a lack of respect. For a moment, let's not categorize offensive actions. Let's put them all on the same level so that they are all equal. If we do that, we can see that we are all guilty. None of us is perfect. We have all committed some type of offense in the relationship.

I hear you saying, but an affair is adultery; it is far more offensive than anything else they could have done. I am not leveling the offense. I am merely trying to help you see that you are not perfect either. If we admit our own shortcomings, it is far easier to forgive others.

I have no question but that infidelity of any type is a major break in trust. For me, lies fall into the same category and I am a hard taskmaster when it comes to lies. I have no tolerance for any type of lie. Is infidelity a forgivable offense?

I think that depends upon the situation. If it has been a repetitive problem in the marriage, I am not sure that it is any longer forgivable. If it is a unique, singular incident followed by earnest remorse, I believe that the relationship warrants the necessary forgiveness in order to save the marriage. Of course, trust has been severely damaged. It may take a long time before "working late" can again be believed. Both spouses in the marriage must realize that only time will heal the breach that has been made.

Two thoughts come to mind. The first is the absolute necessity for leveling communication. What prompted the affair? Is there a problem within the marriage that caused the erring partner to feel a need for outside involvement? Every facet of feelings must be explored by both spouses and openly and honestly discussed. Once the truths are on the table they can be discussed openly and each one examined as to how it can be resolved or reconciled.

The second thought is the alteration in the power within the marriage, which often follows a serious breach of trust. The spouses move from a position of equality to a position of superiority and inferiority. As the offender attempts to regain the lost trust, he/she moves into a position of inferiority. The victim in the breach of trust moves into the position of superiority. The power, or absolution must come from the victim. Oftentimes, the victim enjoys this new power position within the relationship and is unwilling to relinquish their newfound position. Having someone grovel for your forgiveness can be a power trip. Sometimes, the couple is not completely aware of the new positions within the relationship. One or the other may become comfortable with the new relationship and not be aware that it is continuing, even long after trust has been restored.

We must be sensitive to any power changes in our relationships due to a breach of trust. We must be resolved to restore equality within the relationship as soon as possible. We want and need our spouse to be our equal in the marriage. Though a period of power change is natural, we do not want that to continue. The means to restoring equal power in the relationship is time and the restoration of trust. We cannot assume that because our spouse has breached our trust once, it will be a reoccurring event. We must accept our spouse's sincere apology and work through our own issues in order to restore trust as soon as possible. A period of lack of trust is natural, but limited to our own ability to forgive.

I think there are times when a marriage can be strong and relatively problem-free and yet one of the spouses may become involved in an emotional relationship outside the marriage that moves into the physical realm. It does not reflect upon the spouse, nor upon the marriage. Instead, the offending spouse allowed what I would consider to be an adulterous relationship in the first place. To me, adultery does not begin with a kiss but rather with the emotional involvement that preceded the kiss. I think, perhaps, this type of affair is more common. We have the illusion that we can become emotionally involved with the opposite sex without physical involvement becoming an issue.

I think that when we first find ourselves becoming involved with someone of the opposite sex in an emotional relationship, we need to stop and ask ourselves if we are keeping this involvement from our spouse. If so, why? Are we afraid our spouse will react in a jealous rage? Is there a way in which the spouse could be involved in this relationship? Would this person benefit from including our spouse? If we do not wish to involve our spouse in this relationship we need to look closely at our excuse for not involving them. Are we excusing our behavior by blaming our spouse for their jealous nature?

I think that we need to remember that every physical relationship (excluding prostitution), begins with an emotional involvement. It is this caring, this sharing of personal problems and triumphs which led us to our spouse in the first place. Many of us are fooled into believing that we can have an emotional involvement without any future of a physical relationship developing. The divorce courts are filled with such notions.

Am I saying that we cannot have friends of the opposite sex? Absolutely not! I am saying that if you encourage such a friendship, which does not involve your spouse, you need to examine your motives, the motives of the person you are establishing this relationship with and why you do not want your spouse involved.

Trust is the result of a relationship in which the factors of trust have not been compromised. Trust extends into every area of our relationship with our spouse. Ideally, we trust our spouse more than we trust anyone else in the world. This is why a breach of trust within marriage is so devastating. This person that we trust more than anyone else in the world has betrayed us and proven themselves to be untrustworthy. More than that, with infidelity, they have belittled us. We begin to question our appeal to them, their love for us, and their motives for having forsaken the vows upon which the marriage is built. Can trust truly be restored in such circumstance?

Once the issue has been honestly and openly discussed, the relationship can move into the healing phase. The healing phase is dependent upon time. Time heals all things. An absolute necessity for this time is complete honesty and continued communication. The victim in the relationship must have compassion for the offender and earnestly desire restoration of a level, equal relationship. They must be extremely sensitive to the harm caused when the issue is constantly referred to during periods of questions of trust, which may arise in the future. The offender must realize the intensity of their breach of trust and realize that only time can heal the heart. They must realize that they may need to be aggressively honest for a period of time, explaining anything, which might be perceived as being suspicious, even before being asked.

Trust is the support of the marriage. It is the structural foundation upon which the relationship of the marriage is built. When the foundation is cracked, it is critical that it be repaired as soon as possible, before the marriage shatters. The time necessary may be directly related to the intensity of the crack in the foundation. With time and work, the crack may be repaired creating an even stronger foundation for the relationship.
Copyright 2000 Gwynnmar