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Why
Spy on Cheating Spouse
| by
Dr. Bob Huizenga If
you are a spouse who suspects your Cheating Spouse might be having an affair,
wants to find out if he/she is telling the truth or has a need to discover details
of the cheating affair, this article is for you. |
The
desire, sometime a fairly strong desire to spy or find out exactly what is happening
between your cheating partner and the other person, is commonly very strong, especially
at disclosure of the affair or prior to that when you sense that something is
off kilter.
7 Legitimate Motives for Spying
1. Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but yourself. Probably for some
time you have sensed something is different or questioned the change of behavior
in your cheating husband/ partner. Perhaps you confronted him/her and it was met
with denial. This created a huge dilemma for you because a part of you was screaming,
Hey, this doesn't fit! I don't believe it!
To
deny this part of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates a tremendous internal turmoil. If
the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take a deep breath and at least
know that you can trust yourself. You are NOT CRAZY! Spying
is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully your gut feelings. 2.
Spying may help you feel connected to your cheating wife/ partner who seems to
be steadily moving away from you. It is a way of maintaining contact and have
some sort of connection to this stranger who once was well known. Isn't
it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as children? Sometimes there,
sometimes gone. At least it is a game, and a game is at least some contact, some
involvement. You miss the connection and try to find someway to maintain the ties. 3.
Spying may be an honest attempt to bring resolution to the relationship. You want
to know the truth. You sense something does not fit. You suspect there is a breach
of something. You want to know what you are up against. You are not willing to
stand pat and wait. You
are a person of action. You want some sort of movement. You want to get on with
the relationship. You want to get on with your life. You
know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when there might be this huge
elephant that no one is talking about. You want to know the truth, face the truth,
deal with the truth and be free. 4.
If you suspect that the cheating might be the end of the relationship, you want
to protect yourself legally. If
there is betrayal, lying and deception regarding a third party, other forms of
deception may exist financially or in other areas of the relationship. Having
"evidence" does have some impact in some court systems. Whether
you need to protect yourself legally depends on the kind of affair facing you
and the character of your spouse. Please read through my "7 Reasons For an
Affair" to determine the situation that faces you. If your spouse is someone
who can't say no, doesn't want to say no or is acting out rage, please make sure
to take protective steps. 5.
You want to protect yourself medically. You might be concerned about sexually
transmitted diseases. Your health may be at stake. And, of course, you need to
know. Shame,
guilt or self-absorption may be so powerful in your partner that it gets in the
way of responsibly informing you of the medical dangers when another partner is
sexually brought into your relationship. 6.
Secrets are work! There is not much written about the impact of a secret in a
relationship, but believe me, in over two decades of working with strained relationships
day in and day out, keeping a secret has a powerful impact. It
is the proverbial elephant sitting in the room that no one dare talk about. People
take extraordinary measures to tip toe around it, but it IS there. Emotionally,
you can't miss it. Secrets
are a drain. If the secret persists, its impact is felt in subtle but insidious
ways. People become physically ill, sometimes seriously so. People become depressed.
People start doing crazy things. Children
start acting out, stop achieving, become listless or exhibit a host of other symptoms.
Children, or the next generation, often carry the emotional load. You
want to spy because you don't want to live with a secret. You want to discover
the truth. You want to feel the freeing power of the exposed secret and the opportunity
it offers for healing, resolution, a rich relationship and a productive life. 7.
Some of us like drama. Soap opera scenarios and adrenaline based lives are a hallmark
of our society. We get juiced or pumped up entering into emotional relational
triangles that offer intrigue. Without
adrenaline, life seems boring or mundane. Perhaps an unspoken reason for an affair
may be to fan the fire? Or, you may spy to keep the sense of being alive a part
of your life. IS
SPYING AN INVASION OF PRIVACY?
Are you a morally corrupt duplicitous character hell bent on destroying the integrity
of a relationship through spying? No, of course not. The integrity of the relationship
has been destroyed through the affair. The affair shattered the promises and mocked
the vows that the two of you made. The
affair invaded the domain of your marriage and crumbled its protective boundaries.
The affair broke the contract of the marriage; it was the act of betrayal. Spying
does not damage the marriage. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the
pain and deception. Spying
is often used to grasp the reality of the situation. Its' intent is to find the
truth. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the
hurt, pain and forging a direction for the marriage and enable each person in
the marriage to attain health and sanity.
My online colleague Dr. Huizenga, the "Infidelity Coach," writes this
ebook to help couples deal with emotional infidelity and extramarital affairs
- a definite must-read Ebook
click here.
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Why spy on cheating spouse, ethical to spy
