Survive the Infidelity

Surviving the infidelity or affair in your marriage throws your world into chaos and pain.

If you want to survive the affair; if you want to save the marriage and/or your sanity it is vital that you adjust, make changes and begin the process of addressing the affair or infidelity.

A key to surviving infidelity is to use the infidelity as an opportunity to stand back, look at yourself and take some time to get to know yourself better.

OK. What good is this going to do?

It will help you in a couple ways.

First, standing back and observing is always good when in crisis and the pain is pouring from every cell in your body.

Standing back removes you, albeit temporarily, from the pain. It offers a little relief and release.

Take 5 seconds right now, yes... right now... to ask yourself, "How would I describe myself?"

OK... notice the shift in your feelings as you ask that question?

Second, standing back enables you to indentify your major coping pattern(s.) This is vitally important in that your major pattern probably intersected with the major pattern of your spouse. They locked into each other.

Your spouse knows your patterns and is predicating the affair upon the fact that you will continue to act as you always have with him/her.

As well, in outlining the different strategies for the different types of affairs, the strategies often involve the "wounded spouse" making changes in his/her patterns to illicit different responses and change the flow of the affair.

For example, the spouse of an "I Don't Want to Say No," is asked to get into his/her face in an aggressive manner. This often runs counter to the pattern of the wounded spouse.

The spouse of "I Want to Be Close to Someone... but can't stand intimacy" is asked to "leap" his/her spouse. Such "leap forward" takes the wounded spouse out of his comfort zone or familiar pattern.

See where I am going?

So, knowing your pattern(s) is vital in choosing a strategy that will save your sanity, perhaps your marriage, and lead you in a direction that has the best odds of generating health.

What is a coping pattern?

Rather than give you the psychological terms, here are some practical examples.

1. You are a thinker. Your internalize. You like ideas. You think your way through problems. You want to analyze the problem. You want to know why. (This is tricky because sometimes the "why" question is an angry question. Confrontation is difficult.

2. You are a dreamer. Sometimes you like to live in another world, a world created by your fantasies. You always hope for the best and expect the best from others. You sometimes find yourself staring off into space...and you rather enjoy that.

3. You are a people person. You long to be with others. You enjoy their company. You think of ways to please and accommodate them. You enjoy being with the crowd.

4. You are a helper. You like to help others, especially those who are receptive and appreciative of your help. You enjoy giving of yourself.

5. You are a problem solver. You are a fixer. What's the problem? Let's take care of it. Let's talk about options and ways to take care of it. You check the problems off your list.

6. You are a curious learner. You want to learn. You wonder why. You look at the different parts of the puzzle and wonder how they go together. You like to read. You want to thoroughly study a problem before taking action.

7. You are a person of faith. You are guided by your instruction or belief that a "higher power" moves. You look beyond what is to what might be.

8. You are an act (or). Sitting still leaves you frustrated. You want to do things. You want to take action (on a problem.) No talk. No discussion. Let's get on with it.

Of course, this is just a beginning list.

But, take some time to reflect, to stand back and observe yourself in action.

This will give you clues as to what you do next (which may be uncomfortable) that will help you survive the infidelity, but more than that, give you the best chance to make this crisis a stepping stone to a redesigned life and relationship.

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