Surviving Infidelity

THE HEALING JOURNEY A TIME TO DECIDE

After an affair, many couples quickly try to restore their broken relationship for a variety of reasons—some good, and some bad. Well-intentioned friends, family, and church leaders often unwittingly pressure a spouse to quickly reconcile with an unfaithful partner. This push for a quick decision is a mistake. A faithful spouse will probably feel chided or coerced into reconciling quickly, especially if the unfaithful spouse has not been required to take sufficient time to demonstrate sorrow and repentance that is trustworthy. Time is needed for both partners to sort through the issues and put words to the struggles within their own hearts. Both will question if restoration is even possible or worth it. A quick decision either way minimizes both the gravity of what has happened and the necessity of a process of confrontation, confession, repentance, and forgiveness, which may or may not lead to reconciliation in the marriage. Deciding if one should quit or recommit is a monumental decision that should never be made lightly.

If you are in this stage, take all the time necessary to sort through the countless questions and ramifications of this life-altering decision. Don't decide quickly in either direction. Take your time and reflect on what your own heart tells you.

As a way of facilitating your journey, walking through some of the following questions may help you decide which path reflects more faith, hope, and love. The choice to divorce or rebuild after an affair will not be easy for either spouse. Important choices never are.

Can there be restoration if the affair is still going on? Absolutely not! It's absurd to think that any genuine progress could be made in healing the wounds in a marriage if the weapon that inflicted the wound is still in the assailant's hand. Restoring the exclusiveness of marriage demands a severing of all connection and communication with the affair partner. Divided loyalty is no loyalty at all.

How will you know if your unfaithful partner is genuinely attempting to rebuild the marriage? Unfortunately, nothing can provide the kind of reassurance that will allay the fears of a betrayed spouse. The decision to rebuild is risky. However, a deciding factor is the attitude of the unfaithful spouse. It would be foolish even to consider reconciliation if there is a demanding spirit that pushes for a quick resolution or uses the deficiencies of the faithful spouse to justify the affair. An unfaithful husband or wife must accept the fact that he or she has lost any claim to a restored relationship.

An unfaithful spouse must be willing to go to extraordinary lengths to demonstrate by actions the genuineness of his or her intentions to rebuild the marriage. Consistency and diligence in the following areas are what will make or break a reconciliation. The offended spouse, counselor, and church community must all work together to hold the unfaithful spouse accountable in these areas. He or she must do the following:

Give up the affair by cutting off all contact and communication with the third party. This can be done either by a certified letter approved by the spouse or in a phone call monitored by the spouse if need be. Gifts or mementos exchanged during the affair must be returned or destroyed.


Be patient with the slowness of forgiveness from the offended individual. There must be no demand to "just get over it and move on."

Do whatever it takes to help the wounded spouse begin to trust again. This includes, but is not limited to, changing e-mail addresses, relocating, changing jobs if the affair happened at work, quitting a job that requires overnight travel, and relinquishing control of the finances.

Be accountable to several trusted individuals and couples who know the whole story and who have access to both partners.

Refuse to ask church leaders or others including your family to help pressure the faithful spouse for quick forgiveness and restoration.

Can a marriage survive an affair? Ironically, some relationships not only survive but flourish after an affair. Why? All the pretense and denial that may have aided in the development of the affair have been stripped away. Both partners are now capable of viewing each other more honestly than they did prior to the affair.

Courtesy:http://www.rbc.org/

Tips for Internet Affairs:

Install the Sniperspy monitoring software on the computer with both parties aware of the situation. This will curb their easy intent to go back on the computer and especially to do a risky "act".
Read my Ebook on How to Stop Internet Infidelity

This software records all typing, all passwords, and shows you all the sites they visit. Click here for more info.

Remember people who have no secrets have nothing to hide.

Attn: Cheating Spouses - Surviving Infidelity

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